Monthly Archives: September 2009

Girls and their shoes.

Posted on September 28, 2009 | Leave a comment

shoes

Steve: Girls have too many shoes.
I built Sarah a shoe rack for her birthday and just got done sticking all her shoes in it while she’s at work.
She has as many shoes now as I’ve ever owned in my life.
And that’s not even a lot for a girl.

Joe: Don’t get me started.
Every time I hear “these shoes hurt my feet” I think:
What the hell are you doing buying shoes that hurt your feet?
Really?
Seriously?

Steve: I know.

Joe: Do I buy underwear that squeezes my balls?
No.
So what the fuck?

Steve: Exactly.
Sarah never says that.
I hear that from my mom all the time though.
Sarah’s not about shoes the way some girls are.
But she’s still got 23 pairs here plus whatever she’s got on and what’s in her car.

Joe: Yeah, Liz is up there.

Steve: She asked for a shoe rack and I decided to build her one as a surprise.
So I went to her closet and counted.
I stopped after 20 and just figured if she has more than 25 pairs of shoes she’ll have to keep the rest somewhere else.

Joe: Ha.

Steve: I just got even more amazed when I put them all in so she can find it when she gets home.
I had to pull out two shelves to make room for the snow boots.
Then with all the shoes in, that left one empty space.
And I know she’s wearing some and has at least one or two other pairs in her car at all times.
The act of putting each pair in its own little slot just drove home to me how freaking ridiculous the whole thing is.

Joe: Agreed.

Steve: I think it’s safe to assume I got one pair of sneakers about every year until I was 17.
Then I stopped growing, so it became like one pair every two or three years.
So that’s like 22-23 pairs.
Plus three pairs of dress shoes, one of which I’ve had since high school.
And a pair of Doc Martins I’ve also had since high school and a pair of hiking boots I got recently.
So 26-27 pairs of shoes.
So she really does have about as many pairs of shoes as I’ve ever owned.
Within like 2-3 pairs.

Joe: Wow.

Steve: Plus I don’t wear sandals or flip-flops.
I want to either have shoes on or not.
People who wear sandals are just half-assing it and they can rot in hell.

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Posted in Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates

Space Operas and Science Fiction in general

Posted on September 25, 2009 | Leave a comment


Steve: I feel the need to go watch some good sci-fi movies.

Joe: Like Battlefield Earth?

Steve: Which will be hard because frankly, there are so few in the world.

Joe: Oh wait, there it is.
Worst film of the 2000′s, Battlefield Earth.

Steve: Okay, that’s a conversation we can have:
Sci-fi movies that are actually, truly GOOD.
Go.

Joe: Matrix 1.

Steve: First three Star Wars movies.

Joe: …..

Steve: Serenity.

Joe: Right.
Couldn’t remember the name.
I was going to call it Firefly.

Steve: Star Trek 2, 6 and First Contact.
And I liked 3.
1 has its place but let’s leave it off the the list.
Uh…
Are we out already?

Joe: Was the Prestige sci-fi?
I don’t think so.

Steve: No.
I can list some that other people might say but I hated.
Alien. Blade Runner.

Joe: Look at this list. Confusing.
http://www.imdb.com/chart/sci-fi
They have “The Thing” on there, which is more horror than sci-fi.

Steve: Oh Terminator.

Joe: Terminator.

Steve: I think of that more as an action movie though.
It really only had the one sci-fi element.

Joe: E.T.

Steve: E.T., yeah.

Joe: Yeah, it’s a really thin list.
And no series survived unscathed.
Half the Star Wars blow.
2/3 of Matrix films suck.

Steve: More than half of the Star Treks blow but I still love them.

Joe: They have Back to the Future on there.
Back to the Future?
Sci-fi?

Steve: Oh yeah, forgot to mention. The new Star Trek is good.
BttF is sci-fi.
It’s sci-fi comedy, but it still counts.
The Iron Giant.

Joe: ….I guess those should all be on there though.
I’m not the biggest Iron Giant fan.

Steve: Yeah.
Man it’s amazing how many movies can be counted as sci-fi that I wasn’t even thinking of.

Joe: I know.
Children of Men, which is amazing.
It’s sci-fi, but barely

Steve: Children of Men definitely isn’t sci-fi.
It’s set slightly in the future, but that doesn’t make it sci-fi.

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: It’s just drama/psychological horror.

Joe: Their list is confusing.
Hold on one second, let me go check my DVD’s to see what I’m missing.

Steve: Ok.
You’re going to come back and say Total Recall.
And I’m going to disagree with you.
Because if you had left that movie here when you moved out, I would have either thrown it away or mailed it back to you.

Joe: No.
I knew you wouldn’t agree.
The only film that might be sci-fi, but really isn’t, that we haven’t mentioned is Hellboy.
But that’s more “spiritual fiction” than science fiction.

Steve: That’s fantasy.

Joe: It may have created its own genre, if it wasn’t already a comic book.

Steve: Sci-fi is technically a sub-genre of fantasy, but Hellboy isn’t sci-fi.

Joe: There are scientific elements of it, but really it’s not sci-fi.

Steve: Hellboy is very clearly urban fantasy.
It’s distinctive, but it did not create a new genre.

Joe: I know, I was just grasping at straws for potential films we’ve forgotten.

Steve: Now that I’m writing a fantasy novel I’ve developed very strong opinions about the classifications of fantasy sub-genres.
But I’m afraid I still don’t know if my own book is high fantasy or low fantasy.

Joe: 12 Monkeys is sci-fi.
In the future and deals with time travel.

Steve: 12 Monkeys yes.

Joe: And it’s really good

Steve: Yeah.

Joe: Okay, this list makes me angry.
http://www.sci-fimoviepage.com/art_8.html

Steve: When I started this conversation though I was just thinking of spaceship movies.
Now that I think about what else the genre involves I wish to retract my earlier statement that there are very few good movies.
Instead let’s list good spaceship movies.

Joe: Oh
Independence Day.
The Star Trek films you mentioned.
The first three Star Wars.

Steve: 2001, original Star Wars trilogy, Serenity, and a few of the Star Treks.
Anything else?

Joe: Trying to think.
But, I don’t think so

Steve: Yeah, see.

Joe: Gattica had a space ship in the last shot?

Steve: Space Opera
That’s the phrase I was looking for.

Joe: Oh.

Steve: That’s the name of the sub-genre.
Independence Day isn’t one because it all takes place on Earth.

Joe: You know what film I liked, but that gets no play?
Event Horizon.
Best sci-fi spaceship movie since….

Steve: Yeah, that was good.
I agree that it is sorely shafted as both a sci-fi movie and a horror movie.
There have been several kick-ass video games that have been space operas lately.
But few movies.

Joe: You know what the best sci-fi film of the 2000′s is when it comes right down to it?

Steve: Joe’s Mom Does Argos VII?

Joe: Battlestar Galactica is a 70 hour sci-fi movie.

Steve: Eh.

Joe: It filled the sci-fi gap very well while it was in existence.

Steve: We’re gonna avoid that conversation by saying it doesn’t qualify as a movie.

Joe: I agree, but you see my point.
I think part of the reason good films get made is because there’s a need, and with BG, there was a need for quality sci-fi.

Steve: Yeah, but the truth is I just recently got around to borrowing the first season of that show from my father-in-law.
I’ve only watched the opening 3-hour miniseries so far and I’m not enjoying myself nearly as much as I’d hoped.
There are a lot of factors that may have contributed to that though, so the jury’s still out.

Joe: Well, you’re sad.

Steve: I am going to keep watching. But I’m not sure I’m going to become a BG fan.

Joe: You don’t have to. We don’t need you.

Steve: Part of the problem was I lived with you.
So there were a bunch of things I knew were going to happen before they did and that might have ruined some of the experience.
Another big one was that I didn’t know I was getting into a three-hour miniseries with no breaks when I put the DVD in and pressed play.

Joe: Ah.

Steve: So it really became a chore to finish.

Joe: I understand.
You’ve got to know what you’re getting into.
We forgot Men in Black. The first one, which is spaceships and sci-fi.
And funny.
And Will Smith.
And Tommy Lee Jones.
And aliens.
And killing bugs.

Steve: Yeah, MiB rules

Joe: I think what frustrates me about Will Smith is that as a sci-fi fan, I get a lot of him, and much of it sucks.
Although, that’s not really his fault.
I Robot was poor
MiB 2 was sucky.

Steve: MiB two sucks to almost the exact opposite degree that MiB 1 ruled

Joe: Addendum:
Cocoon.
Sci-fi movie, has Wilford Brimley.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Joe: He’s the white James Earl Jones.
Top ten reason I love Wilford Brimley;
1. He’s PRO-cock fighting.
2. He was a body guard to Howard Hughes.

Steve: That’s only two.

Joe: Actually, there’s only one reason I like Wilford Brimley – he’s PRO cock fighting.
If the first one is “supports cock fights” you don’t need the other nine.

Steve: True.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/36292

Addendum
Steve: I can’t BELIEVE we forgot to mention Sunshine. Sunshine rocks the house.

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Posted in Celebrities, Movies

Worst/most disappointing movies of the 2000′s

Posted on September 25, 2009 | Leave a comment

Joe: You know what is a tie for my favorite/least favorite cinema experience the both of us shared?

Steve: What?

Joe: After you and I left Serenity and the turbo nerd girl started talking to us about the film.
Perfect sci-fi fan, which is both good and bad.

Steve: Oh yeah.
And telling us how it followed up on all of her questions from the series.
Because she had come to the movie alone and we were the only people she had to talk to.

Joe: You know what would have been funny?
If then she said “it answered all of my questions” and pulled out a notebook containing all of her questions.

Steve: I’m not sure she didn’t. I tried not to look at her.

Joe: Oh, and I think that sci-fi girls are beautiful, in the way that athletes foot is beautiful.

Steve: Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about!

Joe: You know what would be a terrible conversation?

Steve: What?

Joe: A conversation about the worst sitcom of the 2000′s.
It’s a conversation I can’t invest any time into.

Steve: Shut the holy fuck up right funking now.

Joe: Right funking now!

Steve: Funk!

Joe: We could have a “worst movie of the 2000′s” but that really comes down to what we’ve each wasted our time seeing.
Plus, I made the huge mistake of seeing “Ecks vs. Sever” which takes the cake unfortunately and makes me ashamed of myself.

Steve: Yeah, here’s the thing.
I think there may not be an upper limit to how good a movie can get.
But there is definitely a lower limit.
I mean there’s a certain point at which a movie just can’t do any more to offend you, waste your time, or piss you off.
So a lot of the movies we’ve seen would be tied.

Joe: There are movies that test that limit though.
You know what’s great about Ecks vs. Sever?
They let a guy who called himself “Kaos” direct it.

Steve: What?
Kaos?

Joe: Yeah
He’s Indonesian, and if you mispronounce his name, it sorta sounds like Kaos
So, you know, that’s amazing.
I’m going to call myself Explosion and try to direct Blowed Up 2: Return Of Da Bomb.

Steve: No, don’t call yourself Explosion.
Go with ‘Spolsion.

Joe: Yeah, that’s it.
Although, a truly compelling film discussion would be “what 2000′s movie missed the mark by the most.”
Which would be a conversation based upon missed expectations.

Steve: Pearl Harbor

Joe: Because, if GI Joe the movie is bad, it’s not shocking.

Steve: Right

Joe: I don’t know.
I’d make a case for the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

Steve: Oh yes.
Definitely that one.
Because one and two were brilliant and then they just shit on our plates.

Joe: I might also make the case for Wolverine, although only stupid people expected much from that one.
Or, people who don’t understand the difference between hope and expectations.

Steve: Yeah, Wolverine wasn’t shocking.

Joe: Right
We all “hoped” Wolverine wouldn’t suck but only dumb people “expected” it to be good.

Steve: Exactly.

Steve: Let’s see what else…

Joe: Did the Matrix sequels come out in the 2000′s?

Steve: The Matrix sequels

Joe: Cuz, that’s right at the top.

Steve: Yeah, the first one was 1999, so both of the sequels make the list.
Wait no.
Only the second one.

Joe: Oh, well, we already knew we were fucked by that point.

Steve: Exactly.

Joe: I might actually make the case that the second two Matrix movies were our generation’s equivalent of JFK being shot in the head.

Steve: I don’t think you need to make that case.
Wait, you do need to make that case.
Because our generation also witnessed the Star Wars prequels.

Joe: Ouch
However, neither of us were born when the first Star Wars came out.

Steve: Doesn’t matter.
In fact, that makes it worse.
Because we were raised with them.

Joe: True

Steve: That bumps the Matrix sequels down to Ted Kennedy killing a chick in a car accident.

Joe: Nah, the Matrix sequels would be killing Martin Luther King or Robert Kennedy.

Steve: Robert Kennedy, yes.
Not King.
I actually view killing MLK as being equal to or worse than killing JFK.
Okay, everybody fight now

Joe: Ha.
But the Matrix brought our generation a defining film on a million levels
And, it actually brought people closer to God.
Then the second two didn’t.
Either way, George Lucas and the Wachowski Brothers raped our souls.
Which the Wachowski Brothers are proud of and George Lucas doesn’t care about because he masturbates with 100 dollar bills.

Steve: Yeah.
So screw those three guys.
Here’s what gets me about Star Wars.
It wasn’t just that they were bad Star Wars movies. Like not worthy of the franchise or something.
They were so freaking bad that even if they had been released as totally separate movies independent of any existing franchise, they still would have been so terrible that the third would never have been greenlit.
Probably not even the second.
Because the first wouldn’t have made enough money.

Joe: Very true.

Steve: They were so terrible they weren’t even up to the level of throwaway, one-shot sci-fi movies.

Joe: Call it “Planet Battles” and no one even shows up.
And the third one is barely a C as a film, only because Darth Vader and James Earl Jones were in it.
And even then they could only get it to a C

Steve: No, some people would show opening weekend because sci-fi fans love giving new stuff a shot.
But the reviews would have hit the net right away and nobody else would have come.

Joe: True

Steve: Part of me is still waiting to discover that the real George Lucas is tied up in a mine shaft somewhere along with the real Michael Jackson.

Joe: Yeah
But, they’re not.
Lucas really isn’t that creative, he just got super lucky. And if he was that creative, he only had three films in him.
I mean, after he raped Star Wars he raped Indiana Jones.

Steve: Let’s stop now.
I’m getting sad.

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Posted in Movies, Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates

One film to rule them all…

Posted on September 18, 2009 | Leave a comment

LotR

inglourious-basterds-movie-poster

Little_miss_sunshine_poster

9 Movie Poster - 9

Joe: Most of our “best movie” arguments really come down to me trying to make an argument for any film but Lord of the Rings.
And truly, I just can’t.
There were some very, very good 2000′s movies, but really LotR had what few films have:
Story, effects, action, romance, etc.
Tolkien wrote a superior story and it was executed probably as perfectly as possible by any human
(save Liv Tyler as anything but a dead orc)
So, really there’s no film as good as LotR.
At which point, the argument becomes which was the best.
And I enjoyed the second one the most.

Steve: That is all true.
I think I’m not alone when I say I thought the second was was the least amazingly awesome of the three, but like you said…
That’s a dumb argument.

Joe: It’s truly difficult to separate any one movie from the other two.

Steve: Yeah.
Especially 2 because while 1 didn’t have an ending and 3 didn’t have a beginning, 2 had neither.
But that is to be expected.

Joe: Right
Well, 2 had the end of an epic battle.

Steve: So where does that leave us?
Top 20 movies that WEREN’T LotR?

Joe: sorta

Steve: Ok, let’s look at our list again.
http://whokilledjonniesturtle.com/2009/07/17/greatest-movies-of-the-00s-part-1/
Passion of the Christ, The Dark Knight, Anchorman. Top three off the top of my head.
Somewhere near them should be Gladiator…
I’m not sure what else.
Iron Man probably has a pretty solid place in history.

Joe: Probably Finding Nemo.
I’d say:
2 Dark Knight
3 Passion of the Christ
4 Gladiator
5 Anchorman
6 Nemo
7 Crouching Tiger I guess

Steve: Oh yeah and the Incredibles.
No, screw Crouching Tiger
It was overrated.

Joe: Okay, Little Miss Sunshine as no. 7
Incredibles (or what Fantastic Four should have been) no. 8

Steve: No, I wasn’t a big fan of Little Miss Sunshine.
<gasp>Blasphemy. Now everyone’s gonna hate me.

Joe: I was.

Steve: It just seemed like yet another humiliation comedy to me. The only gimmick was that this one didn’t have Ben Stiller.

Joe: Humiliation comedy?
Compare it to one, for reference.

Steve: Any Ben Stiller movie?
Meet The Parents.
Perfect example.

Joe: Not even close.
It was very heart warming and it had some story.
Bad form, Steve.

Steve: Heartwarming?
No way. You’re smoking rock.
It just got laughs by making me uncomfortable.
Not as bad as some, but definitely not deserving of a spot on this list.

Joe: Well, it seems like we start disagreeing right about no. 7 then.

Steve: Yeah.
Though I would rearrange the order of some of those other ones.
But I think it’s pretty clear who the winners have been this decade.

Joe: Really the only two I feel should stay in their order are Dark Knight and Passion.
Right.

Steve: BTW, I saw 9 yesterday.

Joe: How was that?

Steve: Awful. Truly awful.

Joe: Really?

Steve: The trailer is better than the movie.
Which is always true of movies where the visuals are the only good part.
The first thing I said when it ended was: So… did the writers send their ideas in via messages in bottles? And then the filmmakers had to find the ones they could and make do without the rest?

Joe: Ouch.

Steve: Yeah, it was bad.
I was with a group of people. Not everyone felt as strongly as me, but most did.
Out of eight of us, the only person who actually liked it was someone who had read supplementary material online beforehand and thus understood the plot.
Or at least claimed she did.
She didn’t actually explain it to any of us.

Joe: Wow.

Steve: Oh but Inglourious Basterds.

Joe: Gotta see that.

Steve: Best Tarantino film since the early 90′s.
I’m not sure yet if it belongs on our list but I wouldn’t be surprised if two years form now we decided it does.

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Posted in Movies

Kanye West vs. Cobra Commander, Dr. Doom and Osama bin Laden. Plus, JOE’S BACK IN L.A.!

Posted on September 14, 2009 | Leave a comment

400_kwest_tswift_cpolk_090913_90712947

Steve: Ladies and gentlemen: Kanye West.

Joe: Someone had to take the place of Michael Jackson and Mike Tyson. It’s just impressive that he did both at the same time.

Steve: Sarah saw it live. I’ve read all about it but I just can’t bring myself to watch the clip. I’m afraid I’d get too mad and break out in hives.
And for the record, I’d never even heard of Taylor Swift before last night. That doesn’t lessen my rage.

Joe: I have, Liz likes pop music.
Just watched the video, I hate Kanye for making me feel bad for A POP MUSICIAN NAMED TAYLOR SWIFT.
Taylor Swift? She stole a porn name, and a generic one at that.

Steve: Actually, I was thinking it sounded like the name of one of those girly Saturday morning cartoons.
Like JEM.
“Taylor Swift has to expose her evil manager’s schemes to take over the music industry while getting ready for her biggest show yet!”

Joe: Could go either way

Steve: Regardless, Kanye West is a douchebag. I wouldn’t do that to Jeff Freaking Foxworthy.
In fact, I wouldn’t even do that to Kanye West.
That’s how fucking bad that was.

Joe: Yeah.
Pretty bad.

Steve: But to do it to a teenage girl…
Dude that’s just a guy who needs mental care.
He might actually be a danger to others.
He’s definitely a sociopath.

Joe: He’s a villain.
It’s actually cool to have a villain we all recognize and agree is a villain.
It’s been a while.

Steve: Yeah, good point.

Joe: We have no USSR, everyone thinks China is cool (for some reason) and Americans hate America more than Iran.
Hatred of Kanye could bring us all together for once.

Steve: Yeah.
Though I still maintain that Osama bin Laden is pretty much as much of a straight comic-book-villain as we’ve ever had in real life.
He leads an army of evil henchman with no home country and he dwells in cave fortesses while making diabolical speeches about his enemies’ ultimate inferiority.

Joe: He’s Cobra Commander.

Steve: Give him a mask and a ray gun and he’s Dr. Doom.
Though Dr. Doom actually had a country. But still.

Joe: True. But Americans have such a short attention span, and hate America so much, that the opportunity to hate an American who’s popular and rich is just too good to pass up.

Steve: Yeah, true.

Joe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otBWBULzJ7I

Steve: Dude I have this movie.
We need to watch it together.

Joe: Seriously

Steve: Also the Shield.
“I totally miss the fucked up thing you DOOOO….”

Joe: This is my favorite song though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKOucA27K-g&feature=fvw

Steve: Dude that song is so annoying!
I always skip it when I play the soundtrack.

Later…

Steve: Wow.
This post fits almost every category I’ve yet created for our blog posts.
Everything except movies and classic episodes.

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Posted in Celebrities, Gibberish, Kick-Ass Music, Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates, T.V., Talking trash, Things we know less about than we pretend to.