Joe: See the Hobbit trailer yet?
Steve: No.
But something else momentous just happened.
After being away for six years…
Jonathan just came back and took down the comic strip he hung on my fridge.
Joe: Let’s pause a moment.
……………..
And now a new era begins.
Posted in Celebrities, Gibberish
Steve: Last night I dreamed me and some friends were sneaking around some dark catacombs under a church trying to beat an army of powerful monsters to some unspecified goal.
It was weird.
Joe: I’m assuming you won
Steve: I guess so.
They were these crazy scary undead monsters.
Meanwhile Sarah dreamed about wine.
She says she dreamed about accidentally drinking a Rosé.
What does that say about each of us?
Joe: It says A – you’re a viking, B – you’re wife has class even when she’s unconscious and C – vikings like dames what gots class.
Steve: Got it.
Steve: Today it’s me.
Joe: Ah?
Steve: Yeah, a little.
Like you were yesterday. Definitely in a mental daze.
Joe: Ah.
I see.
Steve: One of those days where I feel like I’m just wasting time until something happens.
Joe: Yeah, dude that’s the worst.
Go do something, pushups, bible, prayer walk, get out of your geographic area if you can.
Take your dog for a walk and listen to the bible on your ipod or something.
Steve: Yeah, good idea.
I have screen eye.
Everything I do involves a screen.
Including talking to you.
Joe: Yeah.
Get outside.
Steve: Ok.
Joe: Go see the shit God made without us.
Steve: I’m gonna go play fetch.
Joe: Sweet.
Steve: He’s a retriever. If there’s one thing he loves…
Joe: True
Steve: …it’s hookers.
Joe: YES
wait…
Posted in Gibberish
Steve: So.
Joe: Earthquake.
That’s what.
Steve: That’s what Sarah just said.
Didn’t feel it here.
Joe: I’m on the 19th floor
I felt it.
Steve: Anyway.
Joe: What’s up?
Steve: Barbecue time has come and gone again.
Which means I have to ask you a question.
Joe: Yes, I shit a burger.
Steve: No, not that question.
The question is, Joe…
How many Sierra Mists do you want when you come over on Saturday?
Joe: mother fucker
Steve: Mother.
Fucker.
Joe: I hate that shit man.
Steve: It’s a whole unopened 12-pack.
Again.
It’s like someone read our blog and brought it just to spite us.
So far nobody has owned up to it.
Joe: Dude, who brings that crap?
Steve: I actually suspect it brought itself.
I’m sure I’d know if any of my friends were… that way.
Plus, Sierra Mist is a sonovabitch.
Bringing itself to my BBQ is exactly the kind of thing it would do.
Joe: Sierra Mist just caused an earthquake.
Steve: Earlier today, Sierra Mist caused an accident on the Metro Blue Line and made 4000 people late for work.
Joe: Sierra Mist makes collect phone calls to 7-Up and never pays him back.
Steve: Sierra Mist prevented Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan, Wesley Snipes, Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel from joining the cast of the Expendables.
And he cast the A-Team movie without Mr. T.
Joe: Sierra Mist optioned the rights to Airbender, only to hire a down on his luck director and a white kid to ruin it.
Steve: Sierra Mist heard some people think of Hitler as the literal antichrist and started punching llama after llama until he gradually surpassed Hitler’s evil. Just for spite.
Joe: Sierra Mist voted for the Green Party in the last six presidential elections.
Steve: Sierra Mist framed Carmen San Diego.
Joe: Sierra Mist baked three dozen cookies for Mrs. Schneider’s elementary school class and put his own pubic hairs into the batter.
Steve: Sierra Mist directed Pirates of the Caribbean 3 while Gore Verbinski was tied up in his basement.
Joe: Sierra Mist took my mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never called her again.
Steve: Sierra Mist had $30,000 to invest in my movie Gray, but he spent it all on Vienna sausages and Cabbge Patch Kid dolls, which he rolled into banana leaves and smoked.
Joe: Sierra Mist is on the sex offender list.
Steve: Twice.
Sierra Mist is wanted for drug smuggling in 134 countries.
It used to be 138, but he toppled a few foreign governments.
Joe: Sierra Mist built the Iron Curtain, melted it down to make scrap and then built a statue of the founder of the KKK outside Nashville.
Steve: Sierra Mist doesn’t care about black people.
Joe: Sierra Mist beat up a homeless person, blamed it on the police and then raped a bunny rabbit.
Steve: That bunny rabbit went on to get elected to Congress, where he betrayed every principal of the Democratic party, then blew his brains out on national television.
Joe: Sierra Mist is both pro and anti Prop 8.
Steve: Sierra Mist won’t help me straighten up my office, no matter how many times I ask him.
Joe: Sierra Mist invented cold sores.
Steve: Sierra Mist got David Lee Roth kicked out of Van Halen.
Joe: Sierra Mist keeps propogating the idea that KISS is a good band and that people want more reality shows based on people made famous by other reality shows.
Steve: Sierra Mist is the chief of programming for NBC.
Joe: Sierra Mist is a douche bag.
Steve: I hate Sierra Mist.
It’s like 7-Up took a whiz into some Mountain Dew, then someone spilled the Mountain Dew and had to refill it with seltzer water and poison.
Joe: We have 7-Up, Sprite and vomit, why on earth do we need Sierra Mist?
Steve: I seriously think it’s a test to see how long they can sell a competing product called “Sierra Mist” before “Mountain Dew” figures how to sue the living shit out of them.
Joe: Well, at least we got another blog post out of it.
Steve: Word.
Steve: Ladies and gentlemen: Kanye West.
Joe: Someone had to take the place of Michael Jackson and Mike Tyson. It’s just impressive that he did both at the same time.
Steve: Sarah saw it live. I’ve read all about it but I just can’t bring myself to watch the clip. I’m afraid I’d get too mad and break out in hives.
And for the record, I’d never even heard of Taylor Swift before last night. That doesn’t lessen my rage.
Joe: I have, Liz likes pop music.
Just watched the video, I hate Kanye for making me feel bad for A POP MUSICIAN NAMED TAYLOR SWIFT.
Taylor Swift? She stole a porn name, and a generic one at that.
Steve: Actually, I was thinking it sounded like the name of one of those girly Saturday morning cartoons.
Like JEM.
“Taylor Swift has to expose her evil manager’s schemes to take over the music industry while getting ready for her biggest show yet!”
Joe: Could go either way
Steve: Regardless, Kanye West is a douchebag. I wouldn’t do that to Jeff Freaking Foxworthy.
In fact, I wouldn’t even do that to Kanye West.
That’s how fucking bad that was.
Joe: Yeah.
Pretty bad.
Steve: But to do it to a teenage girl…
Dude that’s just a guy who needs mental care.
He might actually be a danger to others.
He’s definitely a sociopath.
Joe: He’s a villain.
It’s actually cool to have a villain we all recognize and agree is a villain.
It’s been a while.
Steve: Yeah, good point.
Joe: We have no USSR, everyone thinks China is cool (for some reason) and Americans hate America more than Iran.
Hatred of Kanye could bring us all together for once.
Steve: Yeah.
Though I still maintain that Osama bin Laden is pretty much as much of a straight comic-book-villain as we’ve ever had in real life.
He leads an army of evil henchman with no home country and he dwells in cave fortesses while making diabolical speeches about his enemies’ ultimate inferiority.
Joe: He’s Cobra Commander.
Steve: Give him a mask and a ray gun and he’s Dr. Doom.
Though Dr. Doom actually had a country. But still.
Joe: True. But Americans have such a short attention span, and hate America so much, that the opportunity to hate an American who’s popular and rich is just too good to pass up.
Steve: Yeah, true.
Joe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otBWBULzJ7I
Steve: Dude I have this movie.
We need to watch it together.
Joe: Seriously
Steve: Also the Shield.
“I totally miss the fucked up thing you DOOOO….”
Joe: This is my favorite song though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKOucA27K-g&feature=fvw
Steve: Dude that song is so annoying!
I always skip it when I play the soundtrack.
Later…
Steve: Wow.
This post fits almost every category I’ve yet created for our blog posts.
Everything except movies and classic episodes.
Joe: so close
Steve: What are you so close to?
Joe: Giving my notice, going completely freelance and moving back to Los Angeles.
duh
Steve: Oh. I assumed you meant completing construction of your fish-powered gyrocopter.
Joe: http://www.seihin.com/i/06/09/FishVehicle.jpg
Done.
Steve: WTF??!
Joe: Dude, I put that together last night after fifteen no-doze and three pots of coffee.
Steve: Does it fly?
Joe: It came to me in a dream, and I forgot about it in another dream.
It hovers, can’t get it to fly.
Steve: Did you consider hollowing out all the components? Might lose some weight.
Joe: Too brittle on the landing.
Plus, scares the fish.
Steve: Oh right.
Joe: How awesome is the internet where I can type in “fish-powered” and get a ridiculous photo to add to the conversation.
Steve: Seriously.
I can’t believe how fast you found that.
Joe: Really? I can.
Let’s practice, horse-powered go kart ballon.
go
http://www.craphound.com/images/cartbeforehorse.jpg
Steve: That’s not a balloon.
Joe: Neither is this.
http://www.lorien1973.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/mn_highway_collapse_caoak101.jpg
Joe: How the hell does “horse powered go kart balloon” pull that up?
Google’s a mess today.
Steve: Spider-Man must have revealed his identity.
Again.
Joe: You know what’s funny, first page doesn’t have a horse powered go kart balloon, but it does have a horse powered laptop.
http://www.unmediated.org/images/20040605_solarpoweredhorse.jpg
I mean honestly.
Steve: That’s just stupid.
Joe: Lets try, angel hair pasta sculpture.
Joe: http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/underwire/images/2008/04/01/pastamonster_2.jpg
You win for time, I win for whatever the fuck that is.
Steve: What were your search terms?
I don’t see that one.
Joe: Second page.
Steve: Oh it’s on my second page.
That’s fucking bizarre.
Joe: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3040/2822283225_fb86c6b8ab.jpg
fucking bizarre
also
http://blog.pricegrabber.co.uk/buttonsmasher/files/2008/08/939458_20080731_screen004.jpg
Steve: Ok…
Monkey attack brigade
Joe: http://digitalheadbutt.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/cominatchalikeamonkey.jpg
Steve: http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c311/SpankyStokes/Toys/pressler_angry_clobber_monkey.jpg
Joe: K, gotta go run an errand.
ttyl
Steve: Later
( http://barfblog.foodsafety.ksu.edu/evil-monkey.jpg )
Posted in Gibberish
Steve: Yo
Joe: I haven’t been paid yet.
Will try to get you a check ASAP.
I’m frustrated as well, it’s a big check in total that I’m waiting for.
Steve: Haha.
Psychic.
Oh wait… I mean prophetic.
That’s what Christians call it right?
Joe: Yeah, that one’s up there with kettle faith instead of pot luck.
Or virgin instead of geek
Steve: I’ve never heard of kettle faith.
Joe: It was a ridiculous thing that the leaders when I first got to the church were saying.
Steve: It means pot luck?
Joe: Right.
Steve: That doesn’t even make sense.
Though, to be fair… pot luck doesn’t make any damn sense either.
Joe: Yeah, but since a pot was a witchcraft thingy, and we don’t believe in luck… it was fucking retarded.
Steve: WAIT
A
MINUTE
A POT is a witchcraft thing?
Joe: Dude, it went deep, witches used a pot, normal people used a kettle aparently.
Steve: No. No.
No.
First of all, everybody on fucking planet earth calls it a pot.
And second of all, if you’re going to associate cookware with witchcraft, you say cauldron.
Not pot.
Joe: I know.
I’m not defending it, just explaining it.
Steve: I know.
I’m attacking them via proxy.
Who am I attacking, btw?
Who said this hilarious bullshit?
Joe: Uh… mostly people who were long gone before you showed up
Steve: They were joking right? I mean… in that church way where everybody’s just humoring everybody else?
Joe: Nope.
Steve: Yes they were dude. I won’t accept that. I can accept them replacing luck with faith because they’re retarded. But the kettle thing had to just have been for the hell of it.
Joe: Nope.
It was odd back then, people didn’t want to play mafia because they didn’t feel like lying was holy and they wouldn’t play monopoly for similar reasons
Steve: Well, that’s dumb but at least there’s some logic to it.
I want any fucking human being to explain to me why witches use a pot and regular people use a kettle.
Anybody. Please.
Joe: Dude, it was completely fucking ridiculous in hindsight.
Steve: That’s it. I’m becoming a witch.
Joe: You should.
Wait a second, why arent’ we talking about zombie nazis?
Steve: Zombie Nazis?
Joe: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278340/
Steve: Oh yeah!
Dude. Talk about evil.
Joe: Is this a fuckign comedy?
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2978087705/
Steve: Well, it’s a horror movie.
And in a way all horror movies are comedies.
Especially zombie movies.
Joe: Watch the trailer.
Steve: Seen it.
Can I make a confession?
I am so sick of gore movies.
Joe: That’s not a confession, it’s a good thing.
Steve: If I see one more of these fucking things, I may hurl.
I understand watching the ocassional zombie movie.
Maybe.
But how people can be fans of these things I will never get.
I watched a zombie nazi clip earlier and I seriously want to erase it from my memory becsause of how vile it was.
Joe: I’m with you.
Joe: I almost bought you a comic book.
Steve: Got one.
Joe: It was titled “Captain Karot and the…”
Hold on, a chihuahua just ran by my office.
Steve: Yeah, you should deal with that.
Joe: Okay, I’m back.
Captain Karot and His Collage of Friends.
Steve: I remember Captain Karot. I heard he was being revived.
Joe: You know Steve, that’s the saddest thing you’ve ever said.
Steve: I think he now officially lives on one of the 51 alternate earths of the DC universe.
Can I counter it by pointing out that I’ve never read any Captain Karot stories?
Joe: I suppose.
Maybe we could write a script for that, live action style. The best live action super hero adaptation since Howard the Duck.
Steve: It would certainly be a mind-blowing, blood-curdling, spine-shattering, gut-wrenching, ball-busting, ass-grabbing, throat-slicing, kitchen-cleaning, diet-coke-hating, tour-de-force.
Joe: I was thinking we could write a vampire script.
Oh, have you seen Gone Baby Gone?
Steve: No I have not.
Joe: It’s really good
Steve: Is it ball-busting?
Joe: Ben Affleck can direct.
Mostly because he just gets out of everybody’s way.
Steve: I can’t tell if you’re serious.
Joe: I’m serious.
It’s shocking.
Steve: Huh.
Joe: Yeah, it’s like he hired a good screen writer, a good dp, got good actors and just never showed up.
Steve: How Afflecky of him.
I think my next one will either be that, 30 Days of Night, or Michael Clayton.
Joe: You suck dude.
Big time.
Steve: I do?
Joe: Yeah, you suck the rock.
Steve: Well you suck the whole planet earth.
Joe: Hey, the whole planet earth is hot!
And you know it.
Steve: Only compared to the surrounding space, bitch!
Joe: You take that back!
Steve: I’ll take it back when your mom finishes blowing me.
Joe: My mom can’t blow you, you’re too busy gargling Rock cock, you useless Carrot-Top-copying-queer.
Steve: Yeah, well at least my bloodline makes some kind of sense, you damn Puerto-Rican/Pollack. That makes you stupid AND unwanted.
Joe: But we’re unaware of our unwantedness you French-Canadian nut butter lover!
Steve: I’m not French-Canadian, you ass-fag! I’m a Saturn-driving, Wal-Mart shopping, fast-food eating, Bush-loving, Canada-hating, ass-grabbing, fart-knocking, rock-and-roll loving, motherfucking AMERICAN.
Of French/Irish descent.
Joe: Ha.
How’s your lady?
Steve: She’s cool.
By which I mean she’s totally hot.
Joe: That’s great.
Who would win in a fight, Bryan Cloribel or Kaimo?
Steve: Cloribel
He’s got 100 pounds on Kaimo.
Joe: Yeah, but Kaimo isn’t smart enough to know when to go down, and he thinks he knows Kung Fu.
Remember when he slap boxed Ted?
Steve: Yeah, he only pretends to know Kung Fu.
He actually only took a year of martial arts and he was in like grade school at the time.
Joe: Hey, he only pretends to know English too, and he somehow communicates.
Steve: No he doesn’t.
He’s actually been talking about soup this whole time.
Joe: He’s just reading ingredients off of a label isn’t he?
Steve: Mostly, but he pronounces “glucose” as “Mountain of the Gods” and “carrot” as “Jurri hit me”
Joe: hahahahha
hahah
haha
Fucking hilarious.
Dear Jesus,
Please let Jurri fight Kaimo.
Please, please, please.
Amen.
-Joe 2:5
Steve: What does Joe 2:6 say?
Joe: It’s actually the shortest verse in the book of Joe.
Joe farted.
Steve: Dude…
That nearly killed me.
Joe: Good, your Jurri thing had me laughing out loud in a stuffy law firm.
Steve: Well I’m going to lunch. Ttyl.
Joe: k
Where Joe lives for some reason.
Joe: What’s up?
Steve: Screw New York
You got a job yet?
Joe: Not yet.
Steve: How’s life?
Joe: Living with my parents and my wife.
Steve: Yeah. Well played.
Joe: Doing okay, just bummed.
Steve: Ah, you needed the break anyway. Now you can eat out of your parents’ fridge and get fat.
Joe: Pretty much.
Steve: Take my advice, Joe. Watch some cartoons, eat some beef, then go look for work. You’ll feel much better.
Joe: We’ll see, it’s easier said than done with a wife around.
Steve: Haha.
Tell her Dr. Steve prescibed it.
Women trust me about things.
Joe: Right, right.
Steve: Any leads so far?
Joe: Lots. Got one interview so far.
Steve: That’s pretty cool.
Usually takes longer than that.
Joe: I’m restless, so I’m very active.
Steve: You’re restless because you don’t want to go to work with yer pappy?
Joe: Right.
Cuz, I suck at that stuff.
Steve: You could manage the PR side of contracting.
Joe: No contracting PR at all to be done.
Steve: I know that Joe. I was joking.
Joe: Fuck you, Steve.
Steve: Well, just look on the many bright sides:
1. You could be living with her parents.
2. That company probably would have sucked anyway.
3. If anybody asks why you’re not working, you can just say it’s because you just got to town.
4. You’re a gorgeous hunk of man.
5. You never have to drive through Holywood again.
6. I’ve just this second learned that my sister’s cat has Alzheimer’s.
Joe: I love your sister’s cat.
Steve: Yeah… Actual veterinary diagnosis…
Cat with Alzheimers
Joe: Doesn’t that mean nothing at all, but would make a woman in Beverly Hills hold a fucking wake or something?
Steve: It means that when the cat walks around the house crying, it’s because he can’t find the bedroom.
Joe: Vets could say the cat is retarded, who the fuck could argue?
Steve: The ACLU.
Joe: They’d say the cat’s not only retarded, but hates Christianity.
Steve: They would say it’s the church’s fault that people make fun of retarded cats.
Joe: Right.
Steve: And probably that the cat’s retarded in the first place.
Joe: Well, what do you do with the cat? Kill it?
Eat it?
Kill it?
Steve: You pet it more and make fun of it behind its back.
Or actually, since he’ll never remember it, you can make fun of him right in front of him.
Personally I’d sell him in order to buy more dog food.
Joe: Good point.
Posted in Gibberish, Stuff Joe hates
Joe: I’m here though.
I spoke with Brett earlier.
Steve: Well, I would have told you first, but my email didn’t bounce back until just now.
You secretly quit your job didn’t you? That’s why your email is down.
Joe: No, of course not. I’m not in my room right now watching Romper Stomper in my underwear.
Steve: You hang out on the west side and play the harmonica for quarters.
Joe: Yeah, the harmonica thing, that’s it!
Steve:Wait…
Romper Stomper?
Underwear?
Room?
Joe: Right.
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