Category Archives: Things we know less about than we pretend to.

Can We Please Occupy the Right Places?

Joe: How’s Johnny?

Steve: He’s good.
Bastard drank five ounces at one feeding this morning.

Joe: Joey drank that much, then he puked.
I think Joey and Johnny have one of those “can’t drink a gallon of milk in an hour” contests going.

Steve: We’re in Walnut Creek at Sarah’s parents’ house. We have Odin with us.
He’s very concerned about all these random people holding the baby.

Joe: As am I.
Why did you bring the dog?

Steve: Because.
Dogs need more attention than cats.

Joe: You just wanted an 8 hour car trip with a big dog didn’t you?

Steve: Cats and tortoises we can just have my dad stop by and feed once a day.
The dog we’d have to board if we didn’t bring him. And that costs wicked green.
Fortunately, dogs travel much better than cats too. So it works out.

Joe: Please tell me you stopped in Oakland and yelled “sic ‘em” at those Occupy Wall Street turds.

Steve: Haha.
No.

Joe: Dang.
Then it’s a wasted trip unless you do it on the way back.

Steve: Honestly, I’m a little bit on their side

Joe: I’m on their side the same way I’m on the Tea Partier’s side.
I agree with a fair amount of what they are fighting for, I just think pooping in public parks is retarded.

Steve: Have they done that?

Joe: In NY they have

Steve: Morons.

Joe: I think they will accomplish nothing.

Steve: We’ll see. Protesting almost never directly accomplishes anything, but I think a good amount of the public has gotten pissed off along with them.

Joe: Also, how can you occupy Wall Street in LA/Oakland/Chicago?

Steve: Well they change the names.
It’s called Occupy Oakland.

Joe: Well, I think the public was pissed off with them at first and is now pissed off at them.

Steve: Partly.

Joe: Yeah, well the Occupy L.A. people have been protesting buildings with no bankers in them (namely my building) and making life a mess for middle class people who are part of the “99%”
So fuck them and their idiotic need for attention.

Steve: Ha.
Morons.
I guess anyone in a tall building is fair game.

Joe: I do agree that corporations, especially banks, are evil though.
So it’s not like I’m rooting for Chase or BofA.
But when the other side is a bunch of modern day hippies,  I don’t know who I’m rooting for.

Steve: Yeah.
Thing is, I’m usually the guy who defends corporations.
I was kind of nonchalant about the “corporations suck” mentality until I saw this one chart.

Steve: Someone put it on Facebook. It shows the average CEO salary vs regular worker salary in several countries.
That bugged the crap out of me.

Joe: Right.
Got a meeting.
Peace.

Steve: Right. Later.

Conspiracy

Steve: Joe.
I would just like to point something out.

Joe: Point away.

Steve: Peter Gunn.

Guns N’ Roses.

That is all.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: I’m guessing that’s the real reason Slash has always hated that song.

Joe: Sure.

Steve: He’s always said that riff was just something he was noodling in the studio one day and the producer loved it so much he made them write a song around it.
But Slash thinks it’s stupid and hokey and not worthy of his awesome guitar-hero-ness.

Joe: Even though that’s like their signature song?

Steve: Especially because of that.
To Slash, who is one of the greatest metal guitarists of all time, playing eight notes very slowly over and over seems like the stupidest thing ever.
He hates that something he was just noodling one day became their most popular song.
At least, that’s been the story.
I now suspect he knew the whole time that it was just the Peter Gunn theme.
I have discovered a sordid piece of rock history.

Joe: Ah.

The Night Visions of the Bohemians

Steve: Last night I dreamed me and some friends were sneaking around some dark catacombs under a church trying to beat an army of powerful monsters to some unspecified goal.
It was weird.

Joe: I’m assuming you won

Steve: I guess so.
They were these crazy scary undead monsters.
Meanwhile Sarah dreamed about wine.
She says she dreamed about accidentally drinking a Rosé.
What does that say about each of us?

Joe: It says A – you’re a viking, B – you’re wife has class even when she’s unconscious and C – vikings like dames what gots class.

Steve: Got it.

The most evil man of our generation? Where do you stand?

Joe: Can Christianity disown Mel Gibson?

Steve: I don’t want to disown Mel Gibson.
The Passion of the Christ and Signs alone should lock him in forever.
So he went on a racist tirade. That sucks, but look who his dad is.

Joe: I’m willing to forgive the Jewish thing, but not divorcing his wife.

Steve: That seems a little backwards to me.

Joe: That piece of shit Catholic makes his own church to be more traditional and then divorces his wife?
My point is, there are two major strikes against him, and one involves his particularly strong religious beliefs.

Steve: Him divorcing his wife is his business.
I hate divorce too, but this is the real world. People do it.
To me, it’s more about what he’s overcome.

Joe: I agree with you mostly, but not for a dude who’s more Catholic than the Pope.

Steve: Which is a lot if you consider his background.

Joe: Not for a dude who introduces the single most influentual film about Jesus, possibly ever.

Steve: I mean for a dude who’s THAT Catholic to even have anywhere near the level of revelation required to make the Passion is amazing.
He had a super racist dad and was raised in a church system that’s 99% spiritually dead.
Then he got super famous and became a well-known druggie/party animal.
Then he got saved and made the Passion.
Of course he’s got issues. He’s still cool in my book.

Joe: mmm… My frustration with anyone who wants to make their mark with their faith is that there has to be consistency. You and I are going to sin, as is any celebrity.
So I don’t have a poor expectation.
Where I have a problem is when sin is not followed by repentance.
Divorce is wrong, especially when you’re so Catholic you think the Pope isn’t Catholic enough.
You don’t get to be a publicly proud Christian who does not hold to his beliefs.
We can’t disown every Christian who makes a public mistake, but I can hold them to some level of consistency in their lives.

Steve: Well, I’m not here to defend the man’s sins, but I think disowning him as a body is exactly the wrong thing to do.
There’s never going to be a celebrity Christian that doesn’t sin.
The world needs to know that’s not what our religion is based on.

Joe: My point isn’t about sin.
It’s about repentance.

Steve: But he did repent. He had one of the most sincere repentances ever by a celebrity douchebag

Joe: For his divorce?

Steve: For his anti-semitic outburst. He doesn’t owe us a repentance for his divorce. That’s between him and his wife.
It’s got nothing to do with the public.

Joe: I disagree. If you get divorced, you don’t owe me an apology.
But a public Christian doesn’t get to sin in private and enjoy public praise.
Mel was a public Christian and made a very public film and presented his faith in a public way.
Then he gets divorced and doesn’t want to discuss it.
That’s just poor form.
Don’t bring out the faith card if you don’t want to be held to the standards.

Steve: I have so many problems with that view I don’t even know where to start.
But I think the primary thing is that I’m glad he’s actually been able to keep his life as private as he has.
If more celebrities succeeded where he has, the world would be a better place.
I don’t care why a stranger got divorced, Christian or not.
It sucks that he did, but for all we know it was really necessary for reasons that would be totally inappropriate to make public.
In fact, I can’t think of a reason for divorce that would be appropriate to make public.

Joe: My point isn’t that I’m prying, people who pry blow.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not justifying the public.
I’m criticizing anyone who wants to be in the public eye on their own terms, especially once they introduce the Christian card.

Steve: Well, a man’s family is his own business, no matter who he is.
And I think you’re misrepresenting his intentions.
It’s not like he was nobody and then walked into the room yelling “I’m so great! I’m gonna be the Christian guy from now on! Everybody watch what I do!”
Dude was already one of the most famous people on the planet, and then he got radically saved.
And then God basically ordered him to make a film that only he could make.
All he did was make a movie.
And give one or two interviews for pretty much the only time in his life.
The fact that said movie was like the hugest deal ever was much more God’s doing than Gibson’s.

Joe: I have a quick question?

Steve: K.

Joe: How do you type with Mel Gibson’s dick in your mouth?

Steve: Dude, you’re lame.
Bottom line is this: Nobody in the world cares that he got divorced. Only extreme right-wingers like you care about that. That’s why nobody’s nailed him down on it in the media and THAT’S why he hasn’t discussed it.
In the end, what people will remember 100 years from now is the movie.
If he was being swarmed with reporters demanding an explanation for his divorce, he might be inclined to give one.
But he’s not. Nobody cares.

Joe: Listen, I don’t care that Tiger banged a thousand chicks, that’s his deal.
I don’t care that any professional athlete or celebrity has affairs, gets STD’s or does drugs or whatever.
I really care about professed believers not counting the cost when they make their faith public.
We look bad enough with Pat Robertson and other televangelists (and by look bad, I mean I can’t bring up Jesus’ name without people thinking about them).
To have Mel A. making anti-Semitic statements, and B. being a horrible Catholic in spite of his whole Catholic thing is embarrassing.
It’s not that I expect believers to be perfect.
I want them to be consistent, and he just isn’t, and it’s a really crappy inconsistency.

Steve: Maybe so, but what I think you’re not taking into account is that Mel Gibson getting divorced doesn’t make us look bad to anyone who’s not already a Christian.
Most non-believers don’t care about divorce.

Joe: That’s not true.
They care when it matters

Steve: Not as nearly as much. That’s why the tirade was a huge media bonanza and the divorce was a footnote.

Joe: I really think you’re wrong on this one.

Steve: I really think you’re wrong.
You’re being very judgmental about a situation you know nothing about.

Joe: I think you’re defending a situation you know very little about.

Steve: All I’m saying is it’s not our business.
And we can’t “disown” a guy for something that’s none of our business.

Joe: My point is, when you choose public life, especially with your faith, your private life doesn’t get to be out of bounds on your own choosing.

Steve: In fact, I rather prefer that there is a fallable Christian in the media.
I’d rather him than Pat Robertson any day.
Because Robertson acts like he’s infallible.
Gibson just lives his life.

Joe: I’m not criticizing his sin, Steve. I’m criticizing the fact that he’s not as open as I think he should be
If your sins aren’t as public as your accomplishments, there’s a problem.

Steve: I disagree. There’s nothing Biblical about forcing a man to strip naked in front of the world.

Joe: uh…Jesus?

Steve: In front of his covenant relationships, yes, but not in front of the camera.
Mel Gibson isn’t some preacher who took a bunch of people’s money and then slept with all his parishioners. That would require an apology to everyone he ever preached to.
He’s a filmmaker who happens to be a Christian and doesn’t like being in the spotlight, with or without his faith.
He’s always been known for that, even before the whole Passion deal.
I don’t require him to change that.

Joe: I only require believers to be consistent.

Steve: Right.
Well, we all should be.
And we’re all not.
And he isn’t either.
Big whoop.

Joe: For a public believer it’s more than a big whoop to me

Steve: So you’ve said.
But honestly, what’s he supposed to do? Hold a press conference and say he’s very sorry, but he’s got to divorce his wife because
… fill in the blank?
That’s bullshit.

Joe: Yes.
Bible says “dont’ desire to be a teacher.”
If you want the praise, you don’t get to trade the mocking.

Steve: When did he desire to be a teacher?
You’re assigning all these roles to him that he doesn’t fit.
He’s just a guy who makes movies.

Joe: Dude.
Are you seriously shrugging that off?

Steve: YES.
You’re making no sense.

Joe: I’m fairly certain “teacher” should be taken for a position of influence, and any person of influence should be aware that they will receive a double judgment.
Film maker, teacher, politician, etc.

Steve: I agree, but you’re skipping over the “desire” part.
Mel Gibson has done nothing his entire life but shun the spotlight.
He is the living epitome of the artist who’s famous against his will.

Joe: He did Lethal Weapon 4.
He Did What Women Want.
He’s a super popular actor who’s a lady’s man.
Let’s not deify him.

Steve: I’m not deifying him. You are. You’re saying that when he reached a certain level of recognition for his gifts, he should have either quit working or thrown his life open for all to see.
No sale.
I’m really not defending his sins.
Divorce sucks.
And I’d bet money his reasons for doing it were not justifiable.
But it’s still nobody’s business but the people involved.

Joe: Because he’s chosen a public life, I disagree.
But I guess that’s where we stand.

Steve: I guess so.

Joe: Last word.

Steve: GOFUCKYOURSELF!

Joe: Nope, I already got the last word.
See, it’s up there.
Last word again.
Final word.
Last word in.
I win.

Steve: Mel Gibson is standing behind you with a knife.

Joe: I wouldn’t be surprised, he’s kinda nuts.

Steve: Why are you so interested in Mel Gibson’s nuts?
Now the truth comes out.

Joe: You’re right.

Steve: You don’t want him to just expose himself to the public, you want him to EXPOSE himself.

Joe: I wanna be nuts to butts with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.

Steve: They call that a Lethal Weapon Special.

Kanye West vs. Cobra Commander, Dr. Doom and Osama bin Laden. Plus, JOE’S BACK IN L.A.!

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Steve: Ladies and gentlemen: Kanye West.

Joe: Someone had to take the place of Michael Jackson and Mike Tyson. It’s just impressive that he did both at the same time.

Steve: Sarah saw it live. I’ve read all about it but I just can’t bring myself to watch the clip. I’m afraid I’d get too mad and break out in hives.
And for the record, I’d never even heard of Taylor Swift before last night. That doesn’t lessen my rage.

Joe: I have, Liz likes pop music.
Just watched the video, I hate Kanye for making me feel bad for A POP MUSICIAN NAMED TAYLOR SWIFT.
Taylor Swift? She stole a porn name, and a generic one at that.

Steve: Actually, I was thinking it sounded like the name of one of those girly Saturday morning cartoons.
Like JEM.
“Taylor Swift has to expose her evil manager’s schemes to take over the music industry while getting ready for her biggest show yet!”

Joe: Could go either way

Steve: Regardless, Kanye West is a douchebag. I wouldn’t do that to Jeff Freaking Foxworthy.
In fact, I wouldn’t even do that to Kanye West.
That’s how fucking bad that was.

Joe: Yeah.
Pretty bad.

Steve: But to do it to a teenage girl…
Dude that’s just a guy who needs mental care.
He might actually be a danger to others.
He’s definitely a sociopath.

Joe: He’s a villain.
It’s actually cool to have a villain we all recognize and agree is a villain.
It’s been a while.

Steve: Yeah, good point.

Joe: We have no USSR, everyone thinks China is cool (for some reason) and Americans hate America more than Iran.
Hatred of Kanye could bring us all together for once.

Steve: Yeah.
Though I still maintain that Osama bin Laden is pretty much as much of a straight comic-book-villain as we’ve ever had in real life.
He leads an army of evil henchman with no home country and he dwells in cave fortesses while making diabolical speeches about his enemies’ ultimate inferiority.

Joe: He’s Cobra Commander.

Steve: Give him a mask and a ray gun and he’s Dr. Doom.
Though Dr. Doom actually had a country. But still.

Joe: True. But Americans have such a short attention span, and hate America so much, that the opportunity to hate an American who’s popular and rich is just too good to pass up.

Steve: Yeah, true.

Joe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otBWBULzJ7I

Steve: Dude I have this movie.
We need to watch it together.

Joe: Seriously

Steve: Also the Shield.
“I totally miss the fucked up thing you DOOOO….”

Joe: This is my favorite song though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKOucA27K-g&feature=fvw

Steve: Dude that song is so annoying!
I always skip it when I play the soundtrack.

Later…

Steve: Wow.
This post fits almost every category I’ve yet created for our blog posts.
Everything except movies and classic episodes.

Oh no… No, they didn’t… did they?

The truth can be easy to turn your back on.

The truth can be easy to turn your back on.

Steve: I just had a disturbing thought that I think might be true.
I happened to play a YouTube video of an old Jackson Five song.

Joe: k

Steve: Michael’s voice sounded the same then as it did when he was an adult.

Steve: I also remember during his first molestation ordeal way back in the early 90′s hearing it mentioned that the child tried to prove he was telling the truth by describing certain “distinguishing characteristics” about MJ’s genitalia.
What if…
What if they cut his balls off before puberty?
They used to do it to young sopranos back in the dark ages.
It keeps your voice from changing.

Joe: stop it
stop it, stop it, stop it

Steve: What if that’s why he sounded that way?

Joe: I’m going to poop out my mouth now

Steve: Dude, I think it’s true.

Joe: Dude, there’s poop coming out my mouth.
And I’m not even a Japanese porno mutant

Steve: Dude… I think I’m thoroughly convinced about this.
Everyone knows his dad was an asshole.
And he grew up crazy.

Joe: Now I’m pooping a French hen.

Steve: Obsessed with little boys? Why might that be?

Joe: Gross.

Steve: CAUSE THEY STILL HAVE THEIR JUNK.
LIKE HE USED TO.

Joe: Lots of guys with balls molest little kids.

Steve: Yeah, but how many of them are amazing musicians when they’re little kids, then grow up to be the greatest recording artist of all time without their voice ever changing?

Joe: Sandra Day O’Conner
Wait, not her.

Steve: And of that group how many come from families that have been accused of some seriously twisted, controlling, money-grubbing shit?

Joe: Donny Osmond?
Nah, they were just Mormons.

Steve: And besides that, it wasn’t just molestation with him. He would say things like he wanted to be Peter Pan so he never had to grow up.
He would have slumber parties with kids.
His whole life he was obessed with young boys.

Joe: There are unique individuals with unique voices, and God bless our culture for finding the most fucked up one.

Steve: Did you know he wrote the “Do the Bartman” song and never took credit for it because he loved Bart so much?
He was under a recording contract that prevented him from taking credit for it. He did it for free and nobody found out he was involved for seven years.
Because he was such a fan of Bart.

Joe: Are you saying Michael Jackson molested Bart Simpson?

Steve: No.
Well, maybe.
But mostly I’m pointing out that his obsession with pre-pubescent boys was well beyond the line of batshit crazy.
And I think I now know why.

Joe: That you can convince yourself of things is an amazing talent, not unlike Joel’s ability to perform dentistry with Skittles or my ability to rebuke sneezes.

Steve: Dude.
Can you show me one piece of evidence that Michael Jackson had balls?
Grown men just don’t sound that way.
Even Mike Tyson had a deeper voice than Michael Jackson.

Joe: Can we have one conversation where we don’t discuss your obsession with a black man’s balls?

Steve: Look, all I’m saying is…
shut up.

Joe: Anyway, I’m going to go meet my beautiful wife so I can steal boxes from my office that will help us move back to Los Angeles.

Steve: Ok.

Joe: Here, convince yourself of this:

Joe: Oranges are really apples.
and…go!

Steve: Dude, call me crazy all you want.
You know I just made some really solid points.

Joe: That oranges are apples, I totally agree. Good night nurse.

Movies that suck.

Steve: I don’t know what’s weirder: The fact that I’m married or the fact that at this time last year I wasn’t.

Joe: Yeah, I know how you feel. And within months, you can’t remember being single all that well – except when you have to fart.
Then you remember the freedom

Steve: I remember it every now and then.
This odd feeling of confidence reasserts itself for a few moments.

Joe: Ha.
What are the odds that Transformers 2 is a B.

Steve: 0%
See my comment on Finklestein’s blog about Roland Emmerich and Michael Bay. They both just make movies for the trailers.

Joe: I agree.
But… Transformers.

Steve: The TRAILER for Transformers 2 kicks ass.
But the trailer for Transformers 1 kicked ass.

Joe: Right

Steve: So did the trailer for Pearl Harbor.
And Armageddon.

Joe: Don’t even mention that.
I almost joined the group that went to see Pearl Harbor.
I’m one of the few men who has seen neither Pearl Harbor nor Titanic.
Maybe on my deathbed I’ll watch both. Or better yet, if I get cancer.

Steve: Titanic you may find worth watching.
Pearl Harbor will make you slit your wrists.
The biggest problem with Titanic was overhype.

Joe: I’m just proud I missed those two.

Steve: Yeah.
I almost got away without seeing Pearl Harbor, but somehow I ended up in the theater.
It’s one of the few movies that I don’t even remember who I saw it with or where.
I just remember the pain.

Joe: Dude, that bomb scene in the trailer made it look sweet.
Plus, I think it came out the summer after Thin Red Line and Saving Private Ryan, so it looked like one of those.

Steve: Don’t put those two in the same camp.
Thin Red Line is excruciating.

Joe: See, you’re a fucking retard.
That movie is amazing.

Steve: Not at all sir.
It took me two attempts to even get through it.
Remember our experience with the Aviator?
It was like that.

Joe: Aviator?
I don’t think I saw that one?
Is that the one with Angelina Jolie?
Oh wait.
Oh wait.

Steve: We bought it on PPV

Joe: That horrible film we bought on PPV.
Yeah.

Steve: It took us three months to finish it.

Joe: Jonnie fell asleep in about eight seconds.

Steve: Same with The Thin Red Line.

Joe: I don’t put those two films anywhere near each other.

Steve: That movie would be okay as a series of posters or nature photographs.
As a movie it was dog shit.

Joe: You’re wrong, but you’re probably right about Transformers.
You know what hurts my soul though?
What really makes me angry at Hollywood in a way that is slightly disturbing?

Steve: What?

Joe: The G.I. Joe movie.

Steve: I thought it might be cool.
Kind of looks like a kids movie.
But I know as much about G.I. Joe as I do about quantum physics.

Joe: They aren’t making a kids movie, they’re making it like Transformers and it’s going to hurt.
I was a huuuuuuuuge G.I. Joe fan, and I’m angry.
They can’t leave anything alone.

Steve: Actually, no I don’t. I don’t know as much about G.I. Joe as I do about quantum physics.
But flying ninjas…

Joe: Dude, the potential for Snake Eyes vs. Storm Shadow is awesome, but only if anyone outside of Hollywood crapmeisters did it.

Steve: Are those guys the ninjas?

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: Which one’s evil?

Joe: Storm Shadow.

Steve: There.
I now know exactly as much about G.I. Joe as I do about quantum physics.

Joe: It’s being directed by the guy who directed Van Helsing.

Steve: That’s…
not a plus.
That’s the opposite of a plus.

Joe: Could be worse.
It could be the guy who directed Van Helsing.
Ooooooooooooooooh shit.

Steve: Well… It could be from the guy who directed…

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: um…

Joe: One of the guys from Third Rock is Cobra Commander.

Steve: Hold on, give me a second…

Joe: Oh wait, now I feel better, Marlon Wayans is in it.

Steve: Van Helsing?

Joe: A Wayans is in the G.I. Joe movie.
A fucking Wayans.

Steve: Those guys are like cockroaches, man.

Joe: The star of Little Man, White Chicks.
Marlon Wayans.

Steve: Just when you think you’ve finally seen the last of them they come back stronger and in greater numbers.
There’s got to be fifty thousand of them on the earth at this point.

Joe: True.

Five minutes later

Steve: I’m really tempted to watch Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey on Hulu right now.

Captain Karot (Carrot?)

new cp

Joe: I almost bought you a comic book.

Steve: Got one.

Joe: It was titled “Captain Karot and the…”
Hold on, a chihuahua just ran by my office.

Steve: Yeah, you should deal with that.

Joe: Okay, I’m back.
Captain Karot and His Collage of Friends.

Steve: I remember Captain Karot. I heard he was being revived.

Joe: You know Steve, that’s the saddest thing you’ve ever said.

Steve: I think he now officially lives on one of the 51 alternate earths of the DC universe.
Can I counter it by pointing out that I’ve never read any Captain Karot stories?

Joe: I suppose.
Maybe we could write a script for that, live action style. The best live action super hero adaptation since Howard the Duck.

Steve: It would certainly be a mind-blowing, blood-curdling, spine-shattering, gut-wrenching, ball-busting, ass-grabbing, throat-slicing, kitchen-cleaning, diet-coke-hating, tour-de-force.

Joe: I was thinking we could write a vampire script.
Oh, have you seen Gone Baby Gone?

Steve: No I have not.

Joe: It’s really good

Steve: Is it ball-busting?

Joe: Ben Affleck can direct.
Mostly because he just gets out of everybody’s way.

Steve: I can’t tell if you’re serious.

Joe: I’m serious.
It’s shocking.

Steve: Huh.

Joe: Yeah, it’s like he hired a good screen writer, a good dp, got good actors and just never showed up.

Steve: How Afflecky of him.
I think my next one will either be that, 30 Days of Night, or Michael Clayton.

Joe: You suck dude.
Big time.

Steve: I do?

Joe: Yeah, you suck the rock.

Steve: Well you suck the whole planet earth.

Joe: Hey, the whole planet earth is hot!
And you know it.

Steve: Only compared to the surrounding space, bitch!

Joe: You take that back!

Steve: I’ll take it back when your mom finishes blowing me.

Joe: My mom can’t blow you, you’re too busy gargling Rock cock, you useless Carrot-Top-copying-queer.

Steve: Yeah, well at least my bloodline makes some kind of sense, you damn Puerto-Rican/Pollack. That makes you stupid AND unwanted.

Joe: But we’re unaware of our unwantedness you French-Canadian nut butter lover!

Steve: I’m not French-Canadian, you ass-fag! I’m a Saturn-driving, Wal-Mart shopping, fast-food eating, Bush-loving, Canada-hating, ass-grabbing, fart-knocking, rock-and-roll loving, motherfucking AMERICAN.
Of French/Irish descent.

Joe: Ha.
How’s your lady?

Steve: She’s cool.
By which I mean she’s totally hot.

Joe: That’s great.
Who would win in a fight, Bryan Cloribel or Kaimo?

Steve: Cloribel
He’s got 100 pounds on Kaimo.

Joe: Yeah, but Kaimo isn’t smart enough to know when to go down, and he thinks he knows Kung Fu.
Remember when he slap boxed Ted?

Steve: Yeah, he only pretends to know Kung Fu.
He actually only took a year of martial arts and he was in like grade school at the time.

Joe: Hey, he only pretends to know English too, and he somehow communicates.

Steve: No he doesn’t.
He’s actually been talking about soup this whole time.

Joe: He’s just reading ingredients off of a label isn’t he?

Steve: Mostly, but he pronounces “glucose” as “Mountain of the Gods” and “carrot” as “Jurri hit me”

Joe: hahahahha
hahah
haha
Fucking hilarious.
Dear Jesus,
Please let Jurri fight Kaimo.
Please, please, please.
Amen.
-Joe 2:5

Steve: What does Joe 2:6 say?

Joe: It’s actually the shortest verse in the book of Joe.
Joe farted.

Steve: Dude…
That nearly killed me.

Joe: Good, your Jurri thing had me laughing out loud in a stuffy law firm.

Steve: Well I’m going to lunch. Ttyl.

Joe: k

Terminator: Salvation and American Idol

Terminator-Salvation-1704

Steve: Terminator Salvation is awesome.

Joe: Haven’t it seen it yet. Been with in-laws.

Steve: Ah.

Joe: I lost my voice yesterday. I can barely talk

Steve: I can hear you fine.

Joe: I’m in your brain.

Steve: Well, someday go see Terminator.
Although I must admit, the whole time I was watching I just kept wishing RoboCop would show up.

Joe: Yeah, that would have been amazing.

Steve: Sarah and Yurri liked it less than Bryan and I did.
Which I think may have something to do with them not being as familiar with the previous movies.
There were a ton of references and tie-ins.
And I think Sarah was disappointed that there weren’t any tough chicks like Linda Hamilton in this one.
Which is a lame thing to be disappointed about in my opinion, but there it is.

Joe: Well, women rarely work in action movies.
We already had that conversation.

Steve: Yeah, but Sarah Connor did.
So she wanted more of that.  Even though it would have had nothing to do with the story.

Joe: True, but they killed her before the 3rd one.

Steve: She never saw the third one.

Joe: Oh. Yeah, I understand it.
T3 was a pretty lame film, and killing Sarah Connor didn’t make the most sense. But Linda Hamilton couldn’t do it so there you go.

Steve: Gotta disagree there. I liked T3. It wasn’t brilliant like T2 was, but it was a competent film and I thought a decent entry in the series.
T2 was by far the best one and the new movie hasn’t changed that.
But there is some cool stuff.

Joe: I was okay with chunks of T3, but killing Sarah Connor was frustrating.
Wasn’t a huge fan of Claire Danes either.

Steve: She needed to die at some point.
It would have been stupid if she’d lived.

Joe: She should die in battle, not from leukemia.

Steve: Yeah, they could have said it was a knife fight in a bar or something, but I didn’t care much.

Joe: Plus Nick Stahl didn’t do much for me.

Steve: The point was, the third movie wouldn’t have worked if she was in it.
Because it was all about John coming into his own.

Joe: I think fans deserved to see Sarah Connor die.
Let her be killed early in the film.
Something better than killing her from cancer.

Steve: Well, I didn’t miss her.
It was time for John to have his own movie.
I liked her a lot, but I was done with her by the end of T2, that’s all.
They’d been teasing us with Judgement Day and the creation of Skynet for two movies, and that’s all I wanted to see in T3.

Joe: Anyway, T2 was awesome.
Where does this latest one rank?

Steve: T4 is better than T3, not as good as T2.
Remembering that I liked T3 more than you, I still liked this one even better.
BUT
It is a very different kind of movie.

Joe: It would have to be. No Arnold.

Steve: Well, yeah and the first three were essentially monster movies.

Joe: The humans were the main characters for really the first time.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.
In the post-apocalyptic world, a single terminator is no longer a terrifying monster that you can build an entire movie around trying to stop.
Everyone fights terminators all the time, and they’re all really good at it.
So the movie becomes more a character piece about John.
As he learns that knowing a few things about the future doesn’t make him omniscient.
A lot of the film is about him meeting Kyle Reese.
And they revived one of the themes from T2, which is the question of what really makes us human.
So those were both cool things.

Joe: I miss Michael Biehn.
I mean, I really miss him.
It’s unfair he’s not in these.

Steve: The kid they got to play Kyle looks enough like original Kyle to pass.
The were smart to make him like 14 so they could get away with recasting.

Joe: That didn’t stop them from recasting John Connor three times with three completely different looks.
There’s no way the T2 kid grows up to be the T3 guy, and the T3 guy isn’t even close to the T4 guy.

Steve: I think all three Johns are close enough to squeak by.

Joe: That’s because to you, everyone with normal hair looks the same.

Steve: Pretty much, yeah.
I don’t know how all you homogeneous bastards can stand looking like that.
But they had the same coloration and roughly the same frame..
You can’t really ask for more than that.
What are they supposed to do, get plastic surgery so they all look like the dink from T2?

Joe: Uh…recast Nick Stahl?

Steve: What’s your deal with Stahl?

Joe: No, I’m saying “the best they can do” to make them look the same is cast Nick Stahl again.
You could have made him look about the right age with some makeup.

Steve: Well the time difference has always been lame.
Technically Edward Furlong should have been a maximum of seven years old when T2 was made.

Joe: Can we switch topics for just a second?

Steve: Ok.

Joe: I never watch American Idol, and I never have/will.

Steve: Good.

Joe: Reason number 445 why that is the case:
I was flicking the channels when it was on and one of the contestants was singing with KISS.
By far the most overrated pieces of filth in the history of rock and roll.
American Idol, one of America’s most popular shows, can only book fucking KISS?
Seriously?
Couldn’t get Jimmy Paige or Robert Plant from Led Zep? Couldn’t get Aerosmith?

Steve: Rock Stars aren’t known for their TV appearances.

Joe: Yeah, but come on.
They have the money.

Steve: And honestly, if you were Jimmy Paige, Robert Plant, or a legitimate rock star of any kind, would you appear on American Idol?
It’s not about the money at that point.
If they paid me enough money, I might do a walk on.
But I’m broke as fuck and don’t have an album coming out next year.

Joe: There are 745 rockers, singers in that category who are far less shitty than KISS.
KISS is like a white trash wet dream.

Steve: Think about it.
It’s a reality show.
What kind of celebrities appear on reality shows?
The ones that are admitting they’re done.
Nobody else.

Joe: True, but it gave me one more reason to choke myself should the temptation to watch American Idol ever come on.

Steve: Yes.

Joe: In all honesty, the fact that American Idol gave the world Clay Aiken is more than enough, but it’s nice they remind me.
You know, just in case.

Steve: You shut up about Clay!
He’s a beautiful man!
Er…
Man…ish… thing
Damn it.
Now I have to play Weird Al until my ears bleed.

Joe: I’ve never heard that fruit sing, so I’m in the clear.

Steve: I haven’t either.
But making that joke hurt my soul.
Smells Like Nirvana will be my healing balm.

Such jerks…

dogeyes

Joe: Why are you researching that?

Steve: I have a scene in my novel where three guys go back to a field the next day to recover the body of their dead brother.
It was suggested to me that I could make the scene hit harder if I described how disturbing the body looks instead of just saying “it hit him like a physical blow”

Joe: Ah.

Steve: But I don’t know off the top of my head how screwed up a body would be 24 hours later.
For which I am grateful.
There was this one dog by the side of the road for like a week or two when I was a kid.
I would pass it every morning while walking from the high school back to my junior high.
It was grosser every day.
So there’s that story for you.

Joe: Yeah, great story

Steve: My point being, if I had known I’d be writing this someday, I’d have paid more attention.

Joe: And/or thrown up on the dog

Steve: Right.
There was also a dead dog on the beach one time during a boy scout campout.
Which my boyhood chums insisted for years that I had had sex with.
My boyhood chums did not care for me very much.

Joe: Well, to be fair, you did have sex with the dead dog.
hahahah
I can’t stop laughing at this.

Steve: I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THE DOG!
YOU GUYS ALL SUCK!

Steve: And just so everyone knows, I’m the only one of those guys who’s married now.

Joe: Okay.

(Separate box)

Brett: You. Sex with dead dog. It did happen.

Steve: Oh good lord.
You guys are all buttlickers.