Can We Please Occupy the Right Places?

Joe: How’s Johnny?

Steve: He’s good.
Bastard drank five ounces at one feeding this morning.

Joe: Joey drank that much, then he puked.
I think Joey and Johnny have one of those “can’t drink a gallon of milk in an hour” contests going.

Steve: We’re in Walnut Creek at Sarah’s parents’ house. We have Odin with us.
He’s very concerned about all these random people holding the baby.

Joe: As am I.
Why did you bring the dog?

Steve: Because.
Dogs need more attention than cats.

Joe: You just wanted an 8 hour car trip with a big dog didn’t you?

Steve: Cats and tortoises we can just have my dad stop by and feed once a day.
The dog we’d have to board if we didn’t bring him. And that costs wicked green.
Fortunately, dogs travel much better than cats too. So it works out.

Joe: Please tell me you stopped in Oakland and yelled “sic ‘em” at those Occupy Wall Street turds.

Steve: Haha.
No.

Joe: Dang.
Then it’s a wasted trip unless you do it on the way back.

Steve: Honestly, I’m a little bit on their side

Joe: I’m on their side the same way I’m on the Tea Partier’s side.
I agree with a fair amount of what they are fighting for, I just think pooping in public parks is retarded.

Steve: Have they done that?

Joe: In NY they have

Steve: Morons.

Joe: I think they will accomplish nothing.

Steve: We’ll see. Protesting almost never directly accomplishes anything, but I think a good amount of the public has gotten pissed off along with them.

Joe: Also, how can you occupy Wall Street in LA/Oakland/Chicago?

Steve: Well they change the names.
It’s called Occupy Oakland.

Joe: Well, I think the public was pissed off with them at first and is now pissed off at them.

Steve: Partly.

Joe: Yeah, well the Occupy L.A. people have been protesting buildings with no bankers in them (namely my building) and making life a mess for middle class people who are part of the “99%”
So fuck them and their idiotic need for attention.

Steve: Ha.
Morons.
I guess anyone in a tall building is fair game.

Joe: I do agree that corporations, especially banks, are evil though.
So it’s not like I’m rooting for Chase or BofA.
But when the other side is a bunch of modern day hippies,  I don’t know who I’m rooting for.

Steve: Yeah.
Thing is, I’m usually the guy who defends corporations.
I was kind of nonchalant about the “corporations suck” mentality until I saw this one chart.

Steve: Someone put it on Facebook. It shows the average CEO salary vs regular worker salary in several countries.
That bugged the crap out of me.

Joe: Right.
Got a meeting.
Peace.

Steve: Right. Later.

The Gauntlet Murdered, Brined, Stuffed with Five Other Gauntlets, Smoked and Eaten.



Steve: Ahem.
Joe, I just want you to know something about me.

Joe: Okay.

Steve: Whatever else can be said about Steve Boshear.
This Saturday, I put five birds inside a pig, layered it with bacon and Andouille/croissant stuffing, and smoked it all day.
Then I carved it with a 20-inch gold-plated bowie knife.
And when we ate it, it was better than anyone imagined.






Joe: Yes you did.

Steve: So looking back at our conversation from November…
The Gauntlet Thrown
Is there anything you’d like to say to me?

Joe: I believe I said others would be ashamed of you, but I will now say this:
Jesus, all your future children and the various Norse Gods who do not exist all honor your great achievement.

Steve: Thank you Joe.
You are a king among men.

Joe: It was a great day.

Steve: And we ate the hell out of that poultry-stuffed pig.

Joe: Dude, that part was amazing.

Steve: Dude seriously.

Joe: It was 70 pounds of meat compacted together and we ate the hell out of that thing.

Steve: When everyone left, I still had the head, shoulders and butt.
Nothing else.
Plus my dad has like ten gallons of beer in random containers in his garage.

Joe: We did forget one thing.

Steve: What?

Joe: The reading.

Steve: OH NO!
You’re right.

Joe: It’s fine.
I’ll post on Facebook.

Steve: Actually, paste it in here.
It’ll go up on WKJT.

Steve: Dude we had a bacon-covered meat log and a keg

Joe: True.

The Meatiest of Them All.

by Joseph Marchelweski

On the plains of Silarma, the great pig army faced off against the empire of the fowl. There stood 300,000 swine, snorting in a truly ruthless manner, waiting to devour their natural enemy, the bird. Standing just 100 yards away, the Empire of the Fowl crowed loudly at their sworn nemesis, shouting insult after insult. As they faced each other down, one pig stood head and shoulders above the rest. This pig balanced himself on two legs while resting on the backs of his brethren and defied the fowl to send their five greatest warriors to do battle with him. This pig shouted “If thy five greatest warriors can defeat me, we will all bow down before you and allow you to ride on our backs, serving you as our masters.”

“And what if you defeat our five great champions,” shouted a rotund turkey who looked more like a vulture than a buzzard. “If I can defeat your five great soldiers, then you shall watch as I torture them in front of you and then weep as we annihilate your entire kingdom.”

As the fowl leaders thought about this great challenge, five birds gathered at the front lines. Rock the Wise, Mallard the Brave, The Great Quail of Endor, The Cape Barron Goose and Wild Turkey Jim slowly marched half the distance to their enemy, realizing they were the murderous bunch the pig had wanted to fight. They began to squawk, calling out the pig, chanting “Where is this great hoofed coward who challenges us!” They quieted themselves, and then only moments later they felt the ground rumble. Both great armies began to tremble as the Five Fowl of the Great Empire stood face to face with Goliath, the Great Boar of the West.

Immediately sensing their flaw, the five birds thought of running, but their obligation, their courage and their duty kept their feet in place. Goliath laughed when he saw the fear in their eyes, sensing that this fight might last minutes, or even seconds. However, he didn’t realize these fowl were trained well in the deadly arts and desperately wanted the glory such a battle would bring to their fellow birds. Rock the Wise attacked first, thrashing the great pig’s knees with his machete. The Pig let out a squeal, and took a monstrous step back towards his own soldiers. This step quickly encouraged the fowl, who unleashed a combined attack Goliath could never have imagined.

Blow after blow knocked the great pig back as they battled. Mallard and the Great Quail used their combined efforts to slice the boar’s arms to ribbons. The pig bled on the ground, gasping for air when he was sprung upon by the goose. The Cape Barron Goose took his ax, removed three of pigs fingers on his left hand and ripped open a great gash on its stomach. Finally, Wild Turkey Jim ran at full speed with his club, smashing Goliath about the forehead repeatedly, causing a great crack that rang throughout the valley. The fowl, now sitting exhausted, waited to see if the pig would rise, or if they had indeed defeated the greatest enemy on earth.

As they looked at each other, they heard something startling; a small chuckle began to lift its way toward the heavens. Goliath was bloodied, beaten, cut and torn, but he was by no means defeated. He rose to his feet, stammering only slightly at first, and with one great blow with his right fist he punched Wild Turkey Jim so hard he shattered the bird’s rib cage entirely. In a whirl, he then spun his sword, removing the arms of both the quail and the duck so quickly, they didn’t even know it had happened at first. Goliath then turned his attention to the goose. The goose, brave as he was, ran full speed toward the pig, who caught the courageous bird with one hand, and then ripped its beak off.

Lastly, Rock looked at his comrades and shuttered in fear. Goliath raised his voice and began mocking all the fowl. “Oh great bird empire, home of such great warriors, watch as I not only defeat, but shame your worthless race!.” He grabbed the quail, whose body was marred by the pig, and held the small bird by the throat. To the disgust and horror of each fowl warrior, the pig shoved the quail down the hen’s throat, as the bird wept and begged for mercy. The pig then grabbed the duck, and snarled viciously as drool ran down his jaw. Each bird, filled with disgust at what they were now forced to witness, dropped to its knees and begged for this slaughter to stop. Their tears and cries were so powerful, even a few pigs ran up to Goliath, begging their brother to cease. He then promptly broke their necks, cut off their heads and ripped their own flesh from them, slipping their blooded meat down his own throat. lastly, having massacred each bird and forced them to eat their own brethren, the mighty pig took a deep breath and swallowed the bloated carcass of the turkey. It was with great pain that he did so, but he laughed deliriously the entire time, dancing around as if possessed by Satan himself.

When the carnage was done, the pig fell to his knees and stared at the birds who realized their fate. However, almost instantly, each creature, swine and fowl, smelled something sinister in the air. Their instincts took hold, and each forgot about their great feud, fearing a fate much worse than what they had just beheld. Suddenly, through two great trees, as if delivered by God himself, two men burst forth, and stood twice the size of Goliath himself!

Each creature bent down, kneeling at their feet, begging not to be made the main course of some devious human feast. The two men paid no attention to either army, focusing their attention solely on Goliath, who had immediately been sobered by the fear he felt. They lunged forward, grabbed the mighty boar, broke it’s neck and drug it back to their cabin.

Today my friends, today we eat the remains of the greatest battle in the history of the swine/fowl Armageddon. These six creatures we will now eat demonstrate the great dominance mankind enjoys over its prey.

Steve: That… is disgusting.

Joe: I think we achieved perfection.

Steve: Pretty much.
I’m not sure what else we could possibly have done.
Except maybe put the pig inside an ostrich.

We’ll try that next time.

Watchmen without Nixon and Battle: Los Angeles


Joe: If we could somehow eliminate the 90′s for Stallone, we’d be cutting out Rocky V, Daylight, Judge Dredd, Demolition Man, Oscar, Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot and just about every film he gets panned for. The only good thing we’d be taking out is Cop Land.

Steve: Actually, I’m very pro-Demolition Man.

Joe: You’re very pro-stupid.

Steve: I think it’s a beautiful example of 80′s/early 90′s action movies.
Muscles, explosions, glorification of said muscles and explosions.

Joe: Regardless, I’m just saying that if we took out the 90′s, he goes from Tango & Cash to Get Carter.

Steve: Yeah…

Joe: No one liked Get Carter, but he was trying to branch out.

Steve: Yeah, on the whole, he needs to lose the 90′s.

Joe: His quote about fake-muscled super stars was pretty accurate. America was fascinated with skinny heroes like Michael Keaton and Keanu Reeves.
There’s no room for him in there.
Arnold hit hard times too, especially with that Batman poop show.
I think the 90′s needs to apologize to the 80′s for fucking shit up, and then the 70′s needs to apologize to humanity for existing.

Steve: No, all the best rock music is from the 70′s.
What we really need to do is wipe out the 60′s.
That was the birth of evil.

Joe: Mmm… I feel like parts of the 70′s (fashion, architecture, politics, oil prices, tele-evangelists, plaid pants, etc.) really need to apologize.

Steve: Yeah, all true.
But the really evil stuff like the sexual revolution, the proliferation of divorce, glorified heavy drug use, etc. all came from the 60′s.

Joe: I feel like it came from the last part of 60′s. There was this odd quote from a throwaway Soderbergh movie where a character says. “The 60′s weren’t the 60′s, just ’68 and half of ’69.”
So maybe we ditch like Jan. 1 1968 – Dec. 31 1974 (Nixon resigns in there)
that really gets rid of a lot – wood stock, MLK’s murder, RFK’s murder, both of Nixon’s elections, etc.

Steve: True.

Joe: Although, if Nixon never gets elected, where does that leave the Watchmen?

Steve: Oh they’d be fine.
As long as there was still a Vietnam War.

Joe: ’68-’74 gets rid of most of the deaths in Vietnam, changes it to more of an Iraq (hey why are we over there, 10,000 Americans got killed) from an “Oh my God, hundreds of thousands of young Americans lost their lives in a war fought completely the wrong way for reasons no one remembers.”
They’d be less snarky.

Steve: Nah.
I have a theory that the level of tragedy that actually took place is not directly proportional to how pissed off Alan Moore is about it.

Joe: You know what I thought about when I saw the first 10 minutes of Watchmen?

Steve: What?

Joe: Alan Moore thinking “You know what would make me more pissed than reality? This other reality I created. Oh man, I’d be so pissed if that actually happened. Holy sh*t, now I am pissed, f*cking Nixon’s fourth term, I’m so pissed.”

Steve: Hahaha.
Truth.

Joe: It was just so odd that he created an alternate reality that every American would have hated…but then passed it off as acceptable. Just really an odd premise. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t a big fan. You can rewrite the future however you want, but rewriting a past that really wasn’t possible makes it hard to grasp I think.
Unless it’s Abe Lincoln vs. Vampires.
That’s awesome.

Steve: I kind of disagree.
The only thing he changed was that America had a god-like superbeing on our side during the Cold War.
I’m pretty sure that would have made most of that stuff happen.
Probably not the four-term Nixon thing, but even that wouldn’t be a huge jump.

Joe: Mmm… I don’t know, didn’t seem believable.

Steve: Well you and I have grown up in a world where two-term limits are just a given.
But that didn’t happen until FDR.

Joe: True.

Steve: In Nixon’s day, there were still people alive who thought of that as a new-ish law.

Joe: But, whatever.
We already had this conversation three or four times.

Steve: We did? I don’t remember having the “feasibility of Moore’s Nixon thesis” discussion.

Joe: Well, we’ve had the overall “Why Joe does not and Steve does like Watchmen”

Steve: Oh. Yeah, the book was better.

Joe: I want to see Battle: LA next weekend, want to go?
or this weekend.
whichever.

Steve: I saw it Sunday.

Joe: Damn.
I was spinning from vertigo.

Steve: No, no.

Joe: How was it?

Steve: I saved you.

Joe: Really?

Steve: Oh yeah.
It’s the worst movie since 2012.
Discounting Avatar, obviously.

Joe: Wow.
I had high hopes for Aaron Eckhart. That makes me sad.

Steve: Dude, I couldn’t believe they got Aaron Eckhart to say some of that dialogue.
I said to Sarah, “This movie has everything.”
In a single unit of Marines, they had the guy with a pregnant wife,
The scared virgin kid who’d never been in combat,
The young leitenant nervous about his first field command,
The staff sergeant with a bad reputation because he got people killed on his last assignment,
The guy whose brother got killed on the staff sergeant’s last assignment,
The guy who was about to get married,
They had a scene with a guy writing a letter beginning with the words “My dearest wife-”
And a later scene where he entrusts that letter to someone else with his dying breath,

Joe: Ok.
You win.
I shouldn’t see it.

Steve: (The woman down the row from us audibly groaned at that part)

Joe: I owe you something for taking the bullet.

Steve: Oh that’s not the best part.
EVERY COOL EFFECTS SHOT WAS IN THE TRAILER.

Joe: Oh man.
What a waste.

Steve: Even with all that horse crap, there wasn’t even any great eye candy to make it worthwhile.

Joe: Ugh, so crappy.
Anyway, lunch.

Steve: Aight later.

Star Trek V vs. Rocky V


Steve: It’s amazing how spending three seconds trimming my mustache to uniform length can make my entire beard look more presentable.
Maybe we only look at someone’s top lip to judge their beard.

Joe: Maybe.
Did I tell you I had vertigo last week?

Steve: Yeah.
You’re all better now?

Joe: Mostly.
I get a dizzy spell now and then, but if I stay hydrated I’m fine.
I guess dehydration is part of the problem.
Something in my head was inflamed, so my whole apartment was a carnival ride wednesday morning, complete with vomit and a strange urine smell.
Had to go see the doctor, get medicine (including Xanax) and watched Star Treks 1, 2 and 3.
Although I didn’t like being sick, I’m glad I was able to watch Star Trek 3 and realize that I was a fool to like such a huge pile of crap.

Steve: Vertigo must have made the Star Trek movies seem like awesome action thrill rides.

Joe: Star Trek 2 was amazing on Xanax/vertigo.
Carlos Montalban in the most amazing breast plate ever was so cool, and the ear wig thingies were super scary.
I watched Star Trek 3 while mostly sober.

Steve: Ricardo

Joe: Right.
Ricardo Montalban.
Out of all the Star Trek movies, you know which line always sticks out the most?

Steve: Yeah, Star Trek 2 would be the perfect movie if they hadn’t cast a whiney dweeb with a blonde fro as the son of James Kirk.

Joe: Oh yeah, possibly the worst miscasting of the 1980′s.

Steve: I can’t understand why that one is so many people’s favorite Trek movie, and the main reason I can’t understand it is that kid.

Joe: With the exception of that kid, it’s a good movie.

Steve: Yeah.
What line sticks out the most?

Joe: “What does God need with a starship?”
From the fifth one I think, which is the worst turd that ever turded a turd.
And you know why it sticks out the most? It’s both a legitmate and mentally retarded question at the same time.

Steve: I would like to make a comparative judgement that may lead to an internet discussion of mammoth proportions.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: Star Trek V, though it is the worst Star Trek movie, and one of the top ten worst major sci-fi movies of all time…
Is still less despicable than Rocky V.
I could sit through Star Trek V way more easily than I could Rocky V.

Joe:

Steve: I know, tough call, but I’m pretty sure it’s true.

Joe: I think that’s true for 2 reasons:

Steve: Yeah, Tommy and Gunn.

Joe: 1. Star Trek movies were already up and down. By that point, 2 and 4 were well received and 1 and 3 were Turd Ferguson.
2. Rocky movies were all awesome or at least spectacular from 1-4, culminating in a bomb of epic proportions.
3. As bad as that blonde kid was, Tommy Gunn was somehow worse in every way.
4. Putting Mickey in as a sign of dementia was like Jesus resurecting as a mummy or something.
5. Someone finally punches Paulie (who deserved to lose his front teeth after the way he treated Adrian in Rocky 1 and ruining their finances in Rocky V) but then somehow the audience is expected to feel bad for Paulie?
On a side note, how fucking long was Rocky in Russia? He goes to train for a fight, gives Paulie the keys to the castle for 6 months at most, and Paulie destroys their finances?

Steve: Oh yeah, not to mention the kid’s age jump.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: He’s like four when Rocky leaves for Russia and like 13 when he gets back.

Joe: You just reminded me of how awful that kid was.
And yet, somehow Tommy Gunn was worse.

Steve: Dude Tommy Gunn is such a bad actor, I wouldn’t believe him if he was reading my diary to me.

Joe: Dude, he’s such a scary guy now. he’s got HIV, denies there’s such a thing as HIV, still boxes in like underground fights… it’s like he’s training to be Joker’s deranged henchman or something.

Steve: He denies there’s such a thing as HIV?

Joe: Yeah, he denies HIV exists.
He has lesions on his face and he denies HIV exists.

Steve: That’s… insane.
And only further proves that Rocky V is the worst thing ever.

Joe: Yup.

Conspiracy

Steve: Joe.
I would just like to point something out.

Joe: Point away.

Steve: Peter Gunn.

Guns N’ Roses.

That is all.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: I’m guessing that’s the real reason Slash has always hated that song.

Joe: Sure.

Steve: He’s always said that riff was just something he was noodling in the studio one day and the producer loved it so much he made them write a song around it.
But Slash thinks it’s stupid and hokey and not worthy of his awesome guitar-hero-ness.

Joe: Even though that’s like their signature song?

Steve: Especially because of that.
To Slash, who is one of the greatest metal guitarists of all time, playing eight notes very slowly over and over seems like the stupidest thing ever.
He hates that something he was just noodling one day became their most popular song.
At least, that’s been the story.
I now suspect he knew the whole time that it was just the Peter Gunn theme.
I have discovered a sordid piece of rock history.

Joe: Ah.

The Gauntlet Thrown…

Joe: This guy’s mad dogging you, Steve.

18 seconds later…

Steve: Hey!
A Cornish hen is just a small chicken.
I call retarded on that.
Should have gone with a goose instead.

2 minutes 14 seconds later…

Steve: You know, Joe.
Some pretty amazing things happened to me today.
This morning I realized for the first time in weeks that I’m actually caught up on my work.
Later the guy at the cell phone repair place called to tell me that the part he ordered for me had come in a day early.
Then proceeded to fix my phone in under an hour.
Also, I discovered that there’s a nearly invisible comic book store two blocks from my house that’s been there for two years without me ever having seen it before.
On top of that, I watched the Expendables.
Yet for the first time all day, this YouTube video has caused me to say out loud:
Holy fucking shit.

Joe: I know.
All I’m trying to say is that that guy thinks you’re garbage and your house is garbage and your home is garbage and you’re garbage and you have never even eaten meat.

Steve: Six months from now, when my heart explodes inside my chest as a direct result of this conversation, I’m sending you the hospital bill.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: Dammit.
I’m so mad at you right now.
I should buy the turkey this weekend while they’re cheap.

Joe: Look Steve. If you can’t make that dish, it’s okay.
Really, I won’t think any less of you.
God will, but I won’t.

Steve: I can probably get the pig over at Manhattan Meats.

Joe: Your sons all will, but I won’t.
hahaha.
This is fun.

Steve: Freaking Joe.
Alright, here’s what they did wrong.
They used a chicken and a Cornish game hen.
So essentially they used two chickens.
I’m nixing one of those chickens in favor of a goose.

Joe: Agreed.

Steve: I should probably also work venison and ground buffalo into the meat glue.
And while the Baconator garnishes were a nice touch, I’ll probably have to replace them with bacon-wrapped buffalo chili dogs.

Joe: Yeah.
That’s seriously at least a day of cooking and probably another day of prep.

Steve: When I make turducken it takes me 2-3 days.
So yeah.
That’s a lot of cooking.
Yeah, they don’t have enough meat variety.
With everything already being bacon-wrapped, that stuffing should not be bacon-based.
Perhaps some pulled brisket or pulled pork instead.
No.
I’ve got it.
Andouille.
That stuffing needs to be made with Andouille sausage.
And tasso.
You’re helping me pay for this, you know.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: Damn it.
My only regret is that I can’t do it for a couple months at least.

Joe: My only regret is that I have bonitis.

Steve: That Guy was the greatest businessman who ever lived.
Boo-yah.

The Night Visions of the Bohemians

Steve: Last night I dreamed me and some friends were sneaking around some dark catacombs under a church trying to beat an army of powerful monsters to some unspecified goal.
It was weird.

Joe: I’m assuming you won

Steve: I guess so.
They were these crazy scary undead monsters.
Meanwhile Sarah dreamed about wine.
She says she dreamed about accidentally drinking a Rosé.
What does that say about each of us?

Joe: It says A – you’re a viking, B – you’re wife has class even when she’s unconscious and C – vikings like dames what gots class.

Steve: Got it.

Retrievers

Steve: Today it’s me.

Joe: Ah?

Steve: Yeah, a little.
Like you were yesterday. Definitely in a mental daze.

Joe: Ah.
I see.

Steve: One of those days where I feel like I’m just wasting time until something happens.

Joe: Yeah, dude that’s the worst.
Go do something, pushups, bible, prayer walk, get out of your geographic area if you can.
Take your dog for a walk and listen to the bible on your ipod or something.

Steve: Yeah, good idea.
I have screen eye.
Everything I do involves a screen.
Including talking to you.

Joe: Yeah.
Get outside.

Steve: Ok.

Joe: Go see the shit God made without us.

Steve: I’m gonna go play fetch.

Joe: Sweet.

Steve: He’s a retriever. If there’s one thing he loves…

Joe: True

Steve: …it’s hookers.

Joe: YES
wait…

Inception: B/B+ from Steve, B+/A- from Joe (or: Is Chris Nolan trying to recreate his success through a clever use of posters?)

Joe: I can’t believe Christopher Nolan thinks that Inception was his idea. Only Danny Glover and I know the truth.

Steve: I can’t believe you and Danny Glover think that. Only Ernie Hudson, Don Rickles and I know the truth.

Joe: I really liked Inception, very well shot, well written and well acted.
Hard to find any flaws.

Steve: I agree with your first sentence, but not your second.
The highest compliment I can pay this movie was that it was so enjoyable and engaging that my mind immediately started latching onto the few things about it that prevented it from being perfect.
It’s one of only four good movies released so far this summer.
(The other three being Karate Kid, Toy Story 3 and Predators).
And Inception is the best of those and the only one of those four that isn’t a sequel or remake.
So hell yeah to that.

Joe: I thought it was original. The story was good and I liked the writing quite a bit.
Not sure why you disagree.

Steve: I don’t disagree on any one of those points. I definitely was into it but a few things bugged me.
First and foremost, Ellen Page.
Or more accurately, the relationship between her character and DiCaprio’s.
Not for one second did I buy that Ellen Page’s wide-eyed college student character could possibly have exerted any amount of control or authority, even through blackmail, over DiCaprio’s older, more matured, world-weary dream expert.
It’s just weird how completely dominated he is by her even though she should be totally at his mercy given their positions.
Even his long-time comrades couldn’t or wouldn’t bare his secrets without his permission, yet he repeatedly caves to the n00b for no apparent reason. I found it completely out of character.

Joe: Mmmm…I thought they set up his character as being on the brink of a breakdown and while he had the others fooled, Ellen was possibly more talented than he was.
I thought it made sense that she found his weak points in part because he wanted them to be found.

Steve: I didn’t.
I also didn’t buy that if his issues were such obviously major threats to their job, that his other friends, who knew way more about shared dreaming than she did, wouldn’t know they were in danger.

Joe: I think they knew they were in danger, and that their jobs were full of danger.
I don’t think they had any clue how difficult things were this time.

Steve: In the opening scene, his right-hand man witnesses Cobb’s subconscious destroy their whole job.
Then he just seems to forget that that happened, while Ellen Page makes it her personal mission to blackmail Cobb with what everyone seems to already know about.
So that didn’t really make sense.
But more than the logic problems of the experts not noticing what the newbie did, was just that I didn’t accept Leo allowing her in.

Joe: Well, I thought they established the girl as intelligent, even more so than the other two male leads.
I thought it made sense that she could penetrate Leo’s persona because she had no emotional attachment to him, or any history with him.

Steve: You could explain it that way, but I didn’t feel that the movie did so.
I felt that all the characters came off as highly intelligent (which, btw, is a HUGE compliment to any film) and therefore I didn’t buy that the people closest to him didn’t know the danger he presented.

Joe: I think they knew, but it was the degree of trouble that they didn’t know.

Steve: They could have even suggested that they did know, but trusted him enough to go in anyway.

Joe: I think the film was all about degrees, and slight adjustments made a huge difference.
They were aware of some, but not all of the degrees.

Steve: Okay, that’s the second thing.
Why did Ellen Page automatically know that Cobb’s wife presented a severe threat to everyone’s safety when I still don’t understand why?
Cobb is never allowed to know the specifics of the dream geography because if Mal ever knew her way around the dream, it would ruin everything.
Why is that?
Mal’s motivation is that she wants Cobb to stay in creepy subbasement dreamland with her forever.
So why does constantly attacking the dream help her further that goal?
It made no sense.
We see her do it once at the beginning, then at the end we find out what she’s all about, but it still doesn’t explain the way she behaves or why everyone’s terrified of her.

Joe: Because Mal was DiCaprio’s subconscious and it would try to protect him by harming everyone else.
It attacked foreign entities. That’s what everyone’s subconscious did, only everything in a non-Leo dream world would be a foreign entity.
I’m actually surprised you don’t understand that, that was one of the easier things to get I thought.

Steve: I don’t agree. The film never established anything of the sort.

Joe: Wait, when Page went into Leo’s dreams, Page was attacked and Leo had no control over his thoughts.
If one of Leo’s subconscious thoughts was introduced into another world, everything would be foreign, meaning everything would be at risk and Leo would have no control.

Steve: That’s an interesting interpretation, but it’s too great a leap. The scene you’re referring to established that the primary dreamer’s (i.e., the target’s) subconscious projections would attack foreign entities, because in that scene they were in Leo’s dream.
The idea that your subconscious being in someone else’s dream is a threat was never solidified.

Joe: It’s inferred.

Steve: Nope.
Not clear.
In fact, I suspect that if I were to ask Chris Nolan why it was bad for Mal to know the dream geography, he might give me a different answer than what you just did.

Joe: The subconscious beings are said to be protecting the dreamer, so if they are mindless protection, they would seek to protect what they understand to be the dreamer, which isn’t very much.
And you can’t say nope.
Nope is frustrating.

Steve: Sorry, I think you’re filling in gaps in the movie’s logic that the movie should be filling in for you.

Joe: I disagree.

Steve: Well, there’s that.

Joe: While this isn’t saying very much, it’s easily the best movie of the summer…so far.

Steve: I absolutely agree with that.
But back to the bitchfest. Another problem – and this is something it took me a while to put my finger on -

Joe: Ugh…what?

Steve: I was really disappointed that early on there was a line about how the dream is more about “feeling” than sight and sound, but that’s never demonstrated in any way. The dreams didn’t feel like dreams. They just looked like normal scenes.
Everything was very logical and straightforward and made perfect sense. The few times something fantastic and unreal does happen, like a train driving down Main Street or gravity pulling the wrong direction, we’re told this is bad, because these kinds of things will risk cluing the mark in on the fact that he’s dreaming.
I don’t know about you, but my dreams are NEVER straight narratives that take place in any sort of logical space. They just SEEM to make sense while I’m in them, even though characters are constantly turning into one another, locations are shifting, non-threatening things are terrifying, mundane things seem ecstatic, etc.
I wanted to see more of that in the film, but instead everything plays like a heist movie with pretty much the same physical rules as real life.
That’s more of a direct critique of Nolan’s vision than any sort of plot hole or weak storytelling.
But I do wish there had been more cool dream-type stuff happening.

Joe: I thought about that, but if things got too fantastic, then it’s the Matrix with dreams, which it already sort of was. I appreciated that they treated dreams as less fantastic and more a spin on reality.
I was on the fence. They treated all dreams as mundane dreams, but it might have been too big of a stretch to throw in a purple dinosaur or a knife throwing rabbi.
The film was already 150 minutes.

Steve: I would have been more happy with it if they had explained it as a necessary aspect of shared dreaming.
That would have made it totally fine for me.
Like, in a shared dream, the architect is responsible for maintaining some semblance of reality in order to maintain stability and make it possible for everyone’s mind to interpret it the same way.
But they never got into that or any other explanation.

Joe: Well, I think if you’re going to make a story about dreams or supernatural occurrences, you’re going to have to throw out some stuff.
I think here, they threw out most of the fantastic, which I was fine with.
It’s the creator’s choice I suppose.

Steve: Yeah, but then why did they have the line early on about how it was more about feeling than seeing, only to demonstrate the exact opposite for the rest of the movie?
It’s not a huge deal, but I think it was something of a weakness on Nolan’s part.
It wouldn’t have added any length but it would have added to the effects budget.
So maybe that’s it.

Joe: Can I make a statement that will undoubtedly offend you?

Steve: Sure.

Joe: You sent me a text earlier about how the many positive reviews and the many people that raved about it bugged you.
I know how you feel, but I think it’s a bad habit people our age have when stuff like that happens.
We don’t like when there is too much positive, or too much love shown to a film/band/politician.
I know when everyone is calling a B+ an A+ it’s annoying, but I don’t think it should bug you that much.

Steve: If you’re saying that I’m looking for flaws out of a spirit of rebellion, you’re 100% right.
And it doesn’t bug me that much.
But it does automatically make me more critical.

Joe: Yeah, I am the same way.
But… isn’t that a bad thing we’re doing?

Steve: No.
I mean, sometimes it can be, but it can also help keep us grounded.
In this case, I sincerely don’t believe that this movie is the greatest movie ever made.
I don’t even think it’s the greatest movie Chris Nolan’s ever made.

Joe: I agree.
But, it’s really good. And I think when everyone likes something, it’s now cool to find major flaws. I think that’s a bad habit our generation has. Not that we should be sheep, but that the desire to rebel or critique is a little too strong sometimes.

Steve: Yeah, but I’m aware of that in myself and I feel that I sufficiently kept that instinct in check in this case.
My motivation is less about tearing down the movie than it is about pointing out that it’s not Citizen Freaking Kane.

Joe: I agree that it’s not.

Steve: I don’t want to detract from the movie’s accomplishments at all.
I just kind of have to take up the complainy role in this conversation because you’re playing good cop.

Joe: However, look at its competition so far this year.
Sequels of sequels, remakes, the fucking mutant A-Team.
All crap.
It’s a sliding scale I think, but with the exception of a film that’s coming out August 13.
A little film starring a little actor named Sylvester Stallone.

Steve: Don’t call him little to his face or he’ll reach up and stab you in the neck.

Joe: My lower neck.

Steve: All in all, I give Inception a B or maybe a B+.

Joe: Yeah, it wasn’t a perfect movie, but really good. And I’m glad neither of us bothered to get into a “did the top fall over or keep spinning at the end” conversation.
That would have been annoying.

Steve: It was really engaging and I didn’t lose focus on it at any point, even though I had been fasting for three days and had a massively painful ear infection.

Joe: Ouch.

Steve: Which basically means it was really freaking good, because both of those things should have made it really hard to pay attention to a movie.

Joe: Anyway, I’m gonna take a nap and maybe..THE EXPENDABLES IS GONNA BE AWESOME.

Steve: Yup.

Joe: We’ve had our intelligent, challenging summer movie. Now it’s time to reinvent the action movie.

Steve: Oh yeah, since you brought it up, I also thought the last shot with the top spinning was unnecessary.

Joe: Yeah, me too.

Steve: They had gone the whole movie without ever bringing up the standard “how do you know you’re not dreaming when you think you’re awake” question that all dream movies inevitably harp on.

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: Then in the last shot they go and smack us in the face with the most overused faux-philosophical mind-bender in movie history.

Joe: So stupid.
I agree, very annoying.
But, I can forget the last 7 seconds.

Steve: So, what letter grade would give the movie?

Joe: B+/A-, low A- though, like an 89.5 number grade.

Steve: Oh.
So almost the same as me.
Despite my complaints.

Joe: Slightly higher than you. Not a solid A. I feel like I should have been impacted spiritually to get a good A.

Steve: Yeah, good wording.

Joe: But it was Citizen Kane compared to the last two or three months of movies.

Steve: No doubt.
This is the shittiest movie year ever so far.

Joe: Yeah. I mean the Planet of the Apes summer was bad, but not like this.

Steve: Inception is probably going to sweep at the Oscars just because there’s no competition.

Joe: Agreed.
It’ll at least get nominated for Best Picture.
At least.
And Best Director.

Steve: I think I feel about Inception the way Dan Roemer felt about The Hurt Locker.

Joe: I still haven’t seen Hurt Locker.

Steve: Which is basically: Yeah, it was really good, but that should be the baseline for how movies should be. This should be the least we expect from any movie that sees a major release. The best picture nominees should be several levels above even this.

Joe: I agree.

Steve: But sadly, we don’t live in a world of mostly goods and a few greats.

Joe: I know.

Steve: We live in a world of mostly shit and a few goods and a very few greats.

Joe: It’s disappointing that this film was really good, but nothing has come close this year.
Well, maybe not nothing, but you know what I mean.

Steve: Yeah.

Joe: It’s not as if I can name even one or two other films I think should be nominated for Best Picture.

Steve: I can tell you Toy Story 3 will be.
Other than that, who knows?

Joe: Can they nominate a threeqel?
Hey, I really do have to take a nap. I’ll talk to you tomorrow dude.

Steve: If they do ten nominees again this year, who knows?
Aight.
Later.

Predators Released Today!




Joe: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/10012256-predators/
Next weekend?

Steve: I might go this weekend.
Next weekend is Inception.

Joe: Oh right.

Steve: Sarah and I have a deal.
I will see Inception if she will see Predators.

Joe: I think Inception will be really good and Predators will be better than Predator 2 and those AVP movies.

Steve: I know I should want to see Inception anyway, but I just can’t bring myself to care about that movie.
No matter how many good reviews it gets.
I think it’s just because they’ve been playing the same two trailers for a year.
And they’ve still barely told us anything about it.

Joe: But don’t we get annoyed when trailers tell use the whole story? I sorta of like that.

Steve: Yeah, but there’s a middle ground.
You don’t have to tell me the whole story to tell me the premise.
All I know about Inception is something about dreams and a city gets folded in half.
But I think Predators will be awesome.
It’s gotten all good reviews so far.
And more importantly, Robert Rodriguez has promised to restore the Predator franchise to its pre-spin-off glory.
Which means he, like the rest of the actual sci-fi fans of the world, is wondering why we should care about yet another Aliens Vs. Predator movie or video game or comic book or whatever when there hasn’t been a legit Predator movie since the 80′s.
I think he’s about to fix that problem.
And even that Danny Glover movie was just kind of weird.
Not terrible, exactly.
Just… weird.

Joe: It annoyed me.

Steve: It set the tone for Predator lore to come.
Which is either good or bad.

Joe: I think the overall problem with Predator movies is that the draw of the Predators is also their downfall. They toy with humanity because they’re stronger and more advanced. But, who the hell wants to pay $12 to see humans get their asses kicked by Predators for two hours?

Steve: Um… everyone?

Joe: Dude, the second Predator movie made no money.

Steve: Yeah, but that was because it had Danny Glover replacing Arnold.
The problem isn’t the concept, it’s the execution.

Joe: The first movie at least put our strongest human against a teenage Predator and they came out relatively even.
The AVP movies were kinda shitty because all anyone wanted to see was 10,000 Aliens vs. 10,000 Predators and we got some shitty actors talking for way too long.

Steve: Exactly.
AVP can go screw itself.
That was a bad idea in the first place AND they didn’t do it right anyway.

Joe: I’m saying you’ve got to give humans at least a fighting chance to survive, and it looks like that’s what this movie does.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.
Just like the Arnold movie.

Joe: Right, I think we agree.

Steve: I liked Predator 2 in concept, but I’d have to actually watch it again to know how good or bad it really was.
I suspect a lot of the “bad” was actually just “dated.”
Because it took place in the city and all the gangbangers had brightly colored mohawks.

Joe: I’m saying the problem with the last 3 Predatorish movies was that humans seemed helpless.

Steve: For my money, the best Predator story since the first movie was a little comic book called Batman vs. Predator.
Which sounds like just another silly comic book crossover but was, in fact, the shiznit.

Joe: I remember that short.

Steve: No, it was a comic.
It was basically the same concept as Predator 2, but better executed.

Joe: Yeah, but I remember the short.

Steve: Oh, Batman: Dead End.
Yeah that was a cool short, but it also had Aliens in it, so screw it.

Joe: Right.

Steve: Batman vs. Predator was just Predator 2, but with Batman instead of Danny Glover.
Predator comes to the big city and starts murdering all the most powerful people.
Mob bosses, boxing champions, etc.
Until he finally targets Batman.

Joe: Ah.
Better concept.

Steve: Several Batman/Predator fights ensue.
Batman loses most of them.
Anyway, I’d better get a copy of Predator for tonight.
Sarah’s never seen it.

Joe: Really?
It’s on all the time.
It’s one of the top three Arnold movies.
Oh, there’s a wicked list.
Top 3-5 Arnold movies.

Steve: Predator, Terminator one and two.

Joe: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Steve: Well, it depends on what we mean by “top.”

Joe: Maybe if you go to 5 it gets tougher for 4 and 5.

Steve: After them I’d say True Lies.

Joe: I liked Total Recall.
Maybe the first Conan.

Steve: Leaving out Twins and Kindergarten Cop on the assumption that we’re talking about action movies.

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, yeah here’s my list:
1. Terminator 2
2. Conan the Barbarian
3. Predator
4. Terminator
5. Total Recall
6. True Lies

Joe: Mine:
Terminator 2
Predator
Terminator 1
Conan the Barbarian
Total Recall
True Lies was good though

Steve: Yeah, I’m iffy on whether Conan or Predator should be #2, actually.
They’re both amazing movies.
Conan was the father of a new genre of sword-and-sorcery movies, AND it was the first movie to make Arnold a movie star.
But then Predator was one of the single best action movies of the greatest era of action movies.

Joe: True.
You know what would be terrible, Arnold in a Star Trek movie.

Steve: Yes, Arnold as Spock.
No, Arnold as Scotty.

Joe: Wouldn’t that be the worst thing you’ve ever seen?

Steve: Yes.
Yes it would.
Anyway, I’ve got to get in the shower now, but I leave you with this:

And this: